all is calm, all is blight.

A few days ago, I was the lowest I’d ever been. The themes were the same: crushing financial woes, no work, writer’s block and a palpable, physical, loneliness. I awoke that morning with all my usual expectation of magic but like so many days this year, it never showed. Too hungry to look for a job, too scattered to write and too pissed to consider taking my famed Pleasure Chest collection out of its hiding place in the closet (my usual go to solution for everything) I wandered around the house looking for an answer as if it were nestled between the cookbooks or under the bag of cotton balls.

How would I be able to get Dash a Christmas present? What if the scripts don’t sell? What if I never get a job, or a man, again? What if I end up in a studio apartment in the Valley with wall-to-wall carpeting, vertical blinds and a figurine collection? How can I still be in this Russian novel place after trying so hard to change my fortunes? What. The. Fuck?

At 2pm, the mailman came. I’d been actively waiting for a check that was late. The fact that the check would merely bring me to a zero balance was beside the point. I ran to the mailbox and discovered a stack of Christmas cards in place of the check. Not a single one addressed to me. They were for old tenants or neighbors and somehow the mailman had gotten it all mixed up and gave them to me instead. It felt cruel, as if the Universe, delighting in my role as their bitch, wanted to keep batting me around like a mouse. Never killing me but just fucking with my head. I burst into tears.

Suicide is, and always will be, TOTALLY out of the question, mostly due to loving Dash and life more than words can ever describe, so as I threw myself onto the bed like a 1940’s ingénue, I entertained myself with running away fantasies. Total “getting out of Dodge” scenarios at the end of which I am always thin, tan and, somehow, younger. I was somewhere in the middle of the Southwest when Shauna called.

She asked how I was. I cried and said, “I’m just going to run away. I’m going to give up custody of Dash and sell everything I own on Craiglist. That should get me a few thousand dollars and then I’m going to drive to Taos, New Mexico. I know I might scar my kid for life by abandoning him but maybe my being gone will be good for him. I’ll get a job as a bartender, leave my car by the side of the road and no one will ever be able to find me again.”

After a beat, she said, “I don’t understand why you have to leave your car by the side of the road. Won’t you need it to get to your bartending job?” I laughed for three hours and the sound of my laughter in the middle of all my bitching brought me back to life.

As you all know, life for The Early Girl the last two years has been a hot mess. Challenges I couldn’t even dream up have crossed my path weekly and often I have felt like giving up, but here’s why I won’t and can’t: my friends. I swear to everything you can swear on that when it comes to friends, I am the richest woman in the world. I wouldn’t want to go a day without any of them.

Slim - Technically, she’s my sister but this is the year she showed me that she is also my friend. She’s stepped in to help when I’ve needed it most, knows me more completely than anyone else and I’m constantly reminded recently why I fell in love with her in the first place.

Paula – I was 7 and she was 18 when we met. She lived across the street with her boyfriend and always walked down the street barefoot and smiling ear to ear. She took me under her wing and became the big sister I always wanted.

Isha – We were 8 and met at summer camp. Our friendship was a mortal lock from that moment on and we have survived 36 years of broken hearts, failed professions and one cross country road trip (complete with an arrest in Shamrock, TX) and have never stopped laughing about any of it.

Shannon – We met when we were kids but she was just older enough to be a glamorous and exotic teenager. She introduced me to Fleetwood Mac and the joy of Provolone. We lost touch but found each other on Facebook and now we know each other as bad ass women who still love cheese.

Joie – We met in High School but were in different cliques. Our real friendship started after graduation and we made up for lost time. We found each other again after a 10-year silence (because of a bullshit fight) and don’t go a day without talking. She’s been my fiercest cheerleader, my spiritual touchstone and, along with Isha, has the best laugh I’ve ever heard.

Roni – I was making lasagna the night we met 20 years ago and that’s the perfect way to describe her, actually. She’s layered and fearless and one of the most generous people I have ever met. She gives of herself to everyone she loves and we’re all better for it. She left for London yesterday to celebrate Christmas and now I’m jealous of London.

Nancy – We met in NY while we both worked in fashion. We spent our days in showrooms next to door to each other and our nights exploring the city. Every hilarious tale in NY involves her. She’s a strong, grown ass woman who makes amazing meatballs, doesn’t suffer fools and is raising twin boys, ALONE. She lost all of her money in the crash (and once forgot to take her diamonds off at the Food Stamp office, which I LOVE) but the struggles have just made her more hilarious.

Ron – We met 16 years ago at work. Our first conversation was much like every one after – totally hilarious and intimate. He’s been my boss, my brother and is the single funniest person I have ever met. We talk during his commute to work every morning and never run out of things to say.

Natasha – We met 15 years ago through Ron and, even though I thought she was far too beautiful hang out with, we have been dependent on each others friendship ever since. Last spring when money was as tight as it is now, I got a call from our mutual CPA who casually mentioned that Natasha had just deposited $3,000 in to my account. She’d never said a word. She’s just a classy bitch who saves me, and everyone else she loves, repeatedly. I refer to her as my benefactress.

Shauna – We met through our kids four years ago and it is she that I talk to the most about the challenges and joys of motherhood. She has a wicked sense of humor and has become my creative boot camp director. She never lets me slide into self-indulgent whining and keeps my eyes focused.

Denise & Kathlyn – I’ve known them for years and their creativity, humor and compassion for the world at large, inspire and delight me. They make me funnier and are first in line to read what I write. They see me how I want to be and not how I sometimes am and that is a huge gift.

Piper - An old friend who re-appeared (there's that magic I was looking for) and has become my lunch buddy (when we can afford it) and reminds me ALL THE TIME to keep shit in perspective. Ever since being diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer, she doesn't play around even while having the same ups and downs we all have. Her ability to laugh and hope in the face of the crap that's been handed to her, all the while letting me bitch about not being able to afford tampons, BLOWS my mind. Recently she found out that she's cancer free and that is the greatest Christmas present of all time.

High School Girls – I thought they had forgotten all about me but it turns out that in the years between then and now, we all still have such incredible fondness for each other. I haven’t seen any of them face to face in 20 years but their Facebook presence in my life is comforting and surprising. That school was a nightmare but it sure turned out some powerful, beautiful women.

Blog Followers – A group of strangers I may never meet who take time out to read the blog and tell me that they like it. That it means something to them and this, professionally and personally, is always such a delight. Writing for all of you is one of my greatest pleasures. Some day I hope to meet each of you and thank you for going on this journey with me.

Lying in bed that day, still laughing long after Shauna and I hung up, I thought of all of you and the others I know who rock my world. Remembering you reminded me how truly blessed I am so I let Taos recede in the distance. They can find their own damn bartender cause you guys are stuck with me for the long haul.