It's not you, it's me. It's not me, it's you. Actually, can't it be both?

I was reading a book recently and I had to put it down. (I'll refrain from naming it because I don't like to pick people a part too much).  The female writer kept on going on and on about sucky boyfriends of the past.  Overall, she'd admit that she had too low self-esteem, but she kept picking the same type of destructive dude over and over again.  Finally, I wasn't able to read anymore.  Especially when she said these boyfriends were the reason she had such a low view of herself.

Although I've been happy married for two years and with the same man for ten, I do remember this feeling.  I remember what it was like to not know my own worth, to keep turning in the same pointless destructive dance with the same, pointless destructive type of dude.  For years, I took their "it's not you, it's me" excuses simply to mean "I'm too nice to say you are the reason I'm dumping you."  I was easy to cast blame on myself.  I thought, it must be my fault if they don't stick around. 

Then I started gaining a backbone.  I met the man that would become my husband, a kind, loyal, and generous person.  While it's not always smooth sailing, he's never once treated me like I'm the gum at the bottom of his shoe (like the other men I'd known before.)   I started thinking about the men who fed me the "it's not you, it's me" lines, and I started thinking, yes, that was the truth.  All these men were a-holes to the highest power. They were the reason I was down on myself, depressed, and self-loathing.  Right?

Well, not really.  Because recently, I started thinking about self-awareness.  We hopefully grow more self-aware the older we get.  We see the faults as well as the strengths within ourselves.  I think for years, it was easy to blame myself, but then after I starting feeling more confident, it started becoming a little too easy to blame my exes.  Sure, they broke my heart.  They weren't nice guys.  But was it just "them, and not me?" 

I think that when a relationship falls a part, when two people are failing to connect, there are two sides to every story.  In the book I was reading, I think the female writer was finding it a little too easy to continually blame her exes while never owning up to her own part in the matter.  Because, I, too, picked one dummy after another.  But then somewhere along the way, I got tired of being treated like the gum off someone's shoe.  Then, I found someone better, someone who treated me like how I deserved to be treated.

I think we're all guilty of rewriting our life story at some point in our lives.  We're guilty of putting more blame on ourselves, on others, when the truth is, sometimes, the blame can be equal.  I can only speak from my experience.  But I can't simply say that it was my exes fault.  It was partly their fault.  But it was also partly mine.  To change the pattern, I had to change how I looked at myself.

You may be wondering, so what exactly is Drunk Little Asian trying to say?  I guess I'm trying to say that people need to be aware of their own side of the story.  They need to understand that you have to want to change the pattern, you have to admit, "Crap, I deserve better."  Otherwise, you'll keeping turning in the same dance, but just with different versions of the same destructive dude.