MICROSKIRTS
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viewsMy Near-Miss With Animal Planet
By Distracted in A..., Wednesday, October 6, 2010For the second time in as many months I visited our local animal shelter in search of dogs. My dogs, the escape artists. The dogs who have a nice backyard in which to frolic, yet still refuse to do so within the confines of a chain link fence. The dogs who care nothing about a funeral that may be taking place in the cemetery behind my house, right about the time their back paws are sinking in the compost pile they’re using for a leg-up to make it onto a wooden palette and ultimately over the fence. What’s the big deal about a couple of dogs traipsing across Astroturf and jumping on the bereaved to offer a face wash? Can’t get that at the local spa.
The last visit I made to the shelter was to collect my little wannabe Jack Russell terrier. She, being the ladylike one of the three dogs, stole her opportunity to bust out by way of an unattended open gate. She really thought she was something, all checking out life on the other side of the fence, until she was shivering in terror (and shame, hopefully) as one of the employees at the shelter returned her to me. I had hoped she had learned her lesson and would somehow communicate a warning about the woes of life in the slammer to the other dogs. Well, her “little dog” syndrome surfaced and she opted for silence and observation, to see how long it would take her buddies to dig their own holes.
Five funerals and a few weeks later, I pulled into the animal shelter parking lot to scope out the prisoners, in search of my other two idiots. A different scene awaited me. I saw a, uh, camera crew standing in the lot. All heads turned in my direction, since I was the only traffic at the time. Sinking in my seat, I drove as far from them as I could, to park on the opposite side of the lot. I didn’t see a news van, so I had no idea what was going on. I didn’t even make it inside before a friendly (and overly spiffy) employee greeted me at the door.
“I’m looking for a couple of dogs,” I said. Duh. Really? I gave a brief description of the offenders and was led inside the building.
The officer took her place behind the counter and leaned forward, as if to share a secret.
“That’s Animal Planet out there,” she said, and nodded at me for verification.
Horrified, because I was there again, looking like an irresponsible pet owner (and because my hair and makeup weren’t camera-ready), I thought about denying my dogs and bolting. Maybe someone would see them on TV and just have to have them. I had no idea what Animal Planet was doing in our small town. Probably a story on stupid people who can’t keep their dogs in a fenced yard. Of course!
Dog officer explained.
“Ya know how they do those shows about people who, what do you call it, hoard things? Well, that lady out there hoards cats. They’re doing a follow-up story on her.”
Shocked and oblivious to the open window, I blurted out, “A HOARDER?” Such class, such class. Time to spring the pooches and make tracks.
I drove a short distance alongside the building and saw my pathetic puppies all caged up and wearing the best remorseful looks on their faces that they could muster. Having no sympathy, and still dodging the Animal Planet crew, I marched over to the cage to the dogs a piece of my rapidly deteriorating mind. Since both dogs were previous shelter dogs, I used that as my starting point.
“Hi guys. How ya likin’ this cage? Look familiar? I hope your little adventure was worth it. You guys are like a Milo and Otis team. Well you know what? I oughtta just leave you here to learn your lesson…” I began.
After letting my inner Barney Fife fly for a while, I heard a voice behind me.
“Okay, well I guess I’ll talk to you later. Bye.” I turned to see the dog officer, who was apparently standing behind me during my rant, not only heard my monologue, but I’m guessing whoever was on the phone heard me as well. You need to - no must, stop talking. Right now. The look on the officer’s face said she was wondering if they had a cage big enough to stuff me into.
The animal shelter didn’t even charge me a fee. For some reason, they seemed in a hurry to get me and my dogs out of there. Huh.
So if you find yourself watching an episode of Animal Planet about a cat hoarder in the South, and you see a long-haired brunette in a snazzy red hoodie in front of an animal shelter – that was my friend… Pam.
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