Think I Want To Know Your Child's GPA? Think Again!

Last week I ran into a mom I hadn’t seen in years. We met back when her son and Little Bug took a Mommy & Me class at the Y. Our boys went to different elementary schools, and we lost touch. 

We were no more than fifteen minutes into our reconnection conversation when she felt compelled to inform me that her son had a 4.5 GPA. As if that weren’t enough, she punctuated it with, “I wish I could say he studies all the time, but he doesn’t.”

I can’t tell you the amount of self-control (self-respect?) it took not to counter with, “I’ll see your 4.5 GPA (the combined GPAs of my two sons leaves her kid in the dust) and raise you one MVP of JV Lacrosse and a church missions volunteer to South Africa.” But I didn’t go there. 

I seem to encounter Annoying Moms like this more often lately. I have children too, and as much as I love them, if I talked about their achievements all day even I’d get sick to my stomach. So imagine Annoying Moms, for just a nanosecond, how hearing unsolicited information about your precious darling affects my GI tract. 

I’m not saying Annoying Moms are evil. A small percentage of them may simply be bitches, but it’s clear that the majority of these women have an impairment of some sort. Instead of chastising them, I must help them. To that end I’ve developed a Three-Step Program to assist Annoying Moms to identify and interpret common social  cues used in adult communication in North American countries where English is the primary language. 

#1 Listen- Now I’m no linguistics expert, but when I ask, “How was your son’s first year of high school?” I’m not asking for statistical information. If you’ve listened carefully, you’ll understand that the only acceptable answer will include an adjective. Example, “He had a great year, thanks for asking.”

#2 Look- For body language clues. If I stopped making eye contact with you, I’m done listening. If I’m reading a magazine, I’m done listening. If I’m texting, I’m done listening. If I’m walking away, I’m done listening.

#3 Let It Go- Here’s the honest truth Annoying Moms; not only does no one care about your child’s GPA as much as you do- no one cares at all. Here’s what we do care about: your child, not his resume items. Is your child working harder on his grades this year? I care about that. Did your child manage the transition to high school better than you’d hoped? I can care about that too, if you keep the focus on your child’s well-being and character. I’m either a friend or causal acquaintance, not a college admissions adviser. If you catch yourself wanting to spew random facts, pause and let it go. Save it for your family members. They have to listen and accept you no matter how obnoxious you are.

In the interest of parity, even I have to acknowledge that there are situations and circumstances where it is appropriate to mention your child’s GPA. Huzzah!

If you run into me at a bar, and I’m doing tequila shots (as has been known to happen) and I’ve had at least two already and you’re willing to buy the next round, please feel free to tell me your child’s GPA. In fact, I run a special on meaningless bragging stories. For every shot you buy me, I’ll listen to three statistical lineups. Yep, give me your GPA numbers, PSAT or SAT scores, Little League batting average or even an Apgar score and I’ll gladly listen with genuine interest. Just make sure I don’t fall out of my seat. 

If you find me unconscious on the ground and needing medical assistance you can, after you call 911, talk about your child’s accomplishments. We’ve all read those articles about brain activity when people are in comas. Please, in the name of helping another human being, do whatever you can to fire up my brain if I’m in distress. Don’t bother praying for me. I have complete faith that your endless parental bragging will snap me out of whatever neurological calamity I’ve gotten myself into (don’t forget what I said about keeping me upright at the bar).

I’m calling it here and now- GPA stats are right up there with your age, weight, income and favorite lottery numbers. These things are not for public consumption (that’s what tequila is for). 

If you don’t shut up soon, you’ll be labeled GPA.

Godalmighty Please Avoid. 

It’s not quite the same thing as the other one.