Grab the Windex! A Lesson About Chinese Mothers and Glass Houses

Ms. Chua’s own parenting style restricts her daughters from the inalienable rights of sleepovers, TV and video games- activities that interfere with their desire to work, thus making it “crucial to override their preferences.” Any grade lower than an A is deemed  “substandard performance” and the only solution is “to excoriate (I had to look that one up), punish and shame the child.”

 

Western moms and Chinese Americans immediately responded with their own theories on the value of sleepovers, TV and video games (I seriously wonder how Ms. Chua and her husband had sex without the aid of a digital babysitter).  As for grades, “doing your best” appears sufficient enough to please Western sensibilities (Ms. Chua is right about that), although I’ve yet to encounter a parent disappointed by straight A’s.  Two of the best rebuttals were Ayelet Waldman’s piece for the Wall Street Journal and one by fiction author Ann Mah (her book Kitchen Chinese was one of my favorite reads of 2010) for the Huffington Post.

 

I couldn’t let an opportunity like this pass me by. Not only do I have children, but I work in education. I know things! I ran outside, gathered every stone I could fit into my pockets and prepared to write. I planned to exercise my throwing arm and craft a great blog about meaningful and successful parenting.

 

On Saturday, January 15, the day before the PF Chang's Rock-n-Roll Half Marathon here in Phoenix, I asked The Offspring if they planned to come and watch Mommy run the race. I was met with awkward stares and silence.

 

“What?” I cried. “No one wants to support me?” I turned toward Little Bug (my 15 year-old). “Do you know how many hours I’ve spent watching you play sports?”

 

Big Boy (my almost 18 year-old) saw my attack on his brother as a golden opportunity to leave the room. (Try and tell me he’s not gifted.)

 

I fumed, my blood pressure rising as my thoughts turned toward Amy Chua because I knew (and this killed me) that she’d never find herself in this situation.

 

First of all, she wouldn’t have asked her daughters a yes or no question. Their presence and support of their mother would have been expected. Whether or not they wanted to do it wasn’t really the point.

 

Or was it? Is that the difference between the Eastern and Western model- the idea of preference, of choice? Are we ruining our kids by giving them choices? 

 

So on the eve of my race, instead of stretching and preparing my body, I found myself examining every parenting decision I’d ever made in order to pin-point that first wrong turn. Perhaps Ms. Chua wasn’t the wackadoodle I so desperately wanted her to be.

 

Why, I wondered, did The Better Half and I ever stress the importance of self-expression? Did they have to be so honest? And why they hell were my children so confident with their opinions? Where was their filter? What about my self-esteem?

 

I could have insisted that my boys to go to the race and cheer me on, but would a forced “Go Mom!” make me feel supported?

 

I decided not to make them go. Being the Western mom that I am, I had to admit that I’d often gone to their events begrudgingly. (Oh how I wish I’d said no to that sixth grade band concert!) Is honesty empowering or selfish? I imagine that we could debate that for days, but I had a race to run.

 

When I returned home after the race, The Offspring applauded, presented me with a homemade sign ("Good Job Mommy!" it read) and offered big hugs. Both boys were impressed by my medal. Yes, I would have preferred their support along the race route, but genuine support filled my emotional tank just fine.

 

A little, as they say, went a long way. In my experience as a educator, parents of all ethic backgrounds don’t want “a little” from their children. They want a lot. They want a long list of rankings, abilities and achievements to go a long way. A little isn’t enough anymore and I wonder if that long list is filled with the right things.

 

Amy Chua’s children are accomplished young women who excel in academics and music. They’ve been raised to respect their parents and do what they’re told.

 

I hope that’s enough.

 

If a scholarship existed for disqualifying yourself for any type of academic scholarship, then one of my sons is a strong contender for it. That same son would help an older lady with her groceries and intervene if he saw another kid being bullied.

 

My other son got me hooked on playing Angry Birds on my iPhone. His bedroom floor is littered with dirty clothes and smelly sports equipment. I know for a fact that he keeps his friends' secrets and eagerly tries new things, even if it means taking a risk.

 

I hope that’s enough.

 

What yardstick should we use to measure maternal success? Our children’s test scores? How quickly they pen their thank you notes after the holidays? Their vegetable consumption? 

 

The skills and confidence to navigate through life aren’t bottled and sold or found in a book (no matter how provocative it is). The issue isn’t how we’re supposed to be the best parents, but rather our desperation to feel and prove (clearly in Ms. Chua’s case) that we are. Let’s face it, no one wants to fuck up raising their children.

 

If one sure-fire way existed to do it right, trust me, we’d all be doing it. So I put back the stones. I can’t, in good conscience, hurl them at Ms. Chua. 

 

As to the question of what type of mother is best-Chinese or Western- neither is. I know exactly what type of mother I should be for my sons- theirs.