Coaches on the Edge Weigh in on the heavy stuff.

elizabeth: Am I obsessing about weight lately? Well, when I find ransom notes attached to hangers in my closet stating that my clothes are in a safe house and I will not have contact with them until further notice, I think I have to do something. But for the love of God, what is a girl (or woman) to do when there are millions of plans out there saying that they will work. I particularly like the ones that will give you abs of steel in 3 weeks. People – look at those “after” pictures. The airbrushing is so bad it is laughable and yet we sit here and fork over $854.59 plus S&H so we can have the wool pulled over our eyes. And my eyes don’t have to lose weight or hold in their retinas. They just need a new pair of hip glasses.
 
Laurie: You really want to get me started on this subject? OK, here goes. I’ve been tempted to try the diets where you “lose weight while you sleep.” Girl, I can do some sleeping. If there’s a magic pill that melts fat while you snore, I’m all for it. And then there’s the “health plan” with Ephedera in it. Already determined as dangerous to your living ability, some genius (probably paid off by the company) now says it’s just fine again. Hey, what are a few heart palpitations that could (or could not) lead to death? We’re all gonna be skinny. Or we can always go to my favorite – Alli – the plan where they recommend you walk around with a change of underwear. You gotta want this svelte look bad!
 
elizabeth: Stress makes it harder for us to lose weight. Some days I look at all the right things I ate (in human proportions) and the moderate exercise I get (this girl does not sweat) and I get this feeling that my weight is fine with paying the high maintenance fees since they like the view from certain parts of my body. Damn! I could stop eating and the stress will just hold unto my unwanted weight for dear life. If only I could handle my stress – would my extra pounds find someone else to torment? If I throw a BBQ turkey leg at the TV screen every time some B.S. commercial comes on proclaiming a new way to shed unwanted pounds, would I find inner peace and that little space that separates my thighs?
 
Laurie: In the winter the friction from your thighs rubbing together will keep you warm so a little appreciation may be in order. But you want to talk stress - I walked around for two years with crippling stomach pains. I had colonoscopies, endoscopies, x-rays, MRI’s and a battery of tests. One day while walking home from my over-priced grocery store with two (not one, but two!) bags of calorie-reduced potato chips fried in the fake oil Olestra, it occurred to me “What if…?” Sure enough, I stopped eating those Olestra-saturated treats and my stomach problems were cured.   Don’t you know I still miss those damned potato chips?
 
elizabeth: I propose that we all boycott all the infomercials that make all these false claims. You know what? I am not 25 anymore and yet I am not dead, so I why the hell should I be listening to these plastic looking Barbie and Ken dolls who are feeding me a line of lies. You can’t lose 30 lbs. in a week unless you lose most of your internal organs and if you do, please give me your address so I can send you a get well card. I come from an advertising background (I know – the guilt can be overwhelming) and I had some major clients and they got checked if they were pushing the truth too far. So why is someone not out there saying “enough already.” Come on, who is big enough to go and tell these folks to cool it? And I don’t mean “big” in the “she’s a big girl” way.
 
Laurie: No can do. Already I know if I eat a piece of pizza or have Indian food, it’s an automatic pound gain. And vacation can equal an entire dress size. So I’ll keep playing this silly game and I’ll keep torturing myself on the treadmill, walking my ass off (if only) and going nowhere. But I have one request. I want a week’s notice before I’m going to die. I’m eating everything I have denied myself for the last 30 years and I’m going out 700 pounds. Lord help my pall bearers!
 
elizabeth: Oh, did I say I was going to stop eating? No way. I am going to give up buying every fool product that comes out. This way I will have the money to buy a Death by Chocolate cake. We might as well go to the big greasy spoon restaurant in the sky with smiles on our faces and friction burns between our legs.
Can you imagine if we go there and find out that thin ain’t in and fat is where it’s at?
  
© 2009, Coaches on the Edge ™
 
If you would like to learn more about Laurie, please go to her site: www.eljny.com. 
Stop by at elizabeth’s site at: www.BranchingOutLifeCoaching.com