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viewsA Memory Not So Distant
By ChelseaTheo, Monday, December 5, 2011, 5 commentsSix months ago, my world collapsed. I was caught in a horrific time trap from the day my doctors' confirmed my fears to five days later when I'd lose my first baby. In between then, I struggled to sustain a connection with my own belly; my birthday passed by; and, I listened near as my sister delivered her own baby boy. Torture. I didn't understand the magnitude of my emotions or the implications of Mother Nature. Every fiber pressed against my soul was paralyzed in shock. Shock lasted for months. I might even go as far as saying it's just beginning to fade. I was immersed in shock, anger, guilt and even a modicum of laughter when I couldn't bear anymore tears. It was the only self-preservation tactic I knew. Nothing I did made sense. I came running out of the grief gate with fabricated happiness as a ploy to rid my reality. I promised too much. Some days, I convinced myself I could conquer the world with ambition and happiness. Other days, I felt the stickiness of my tears paint my face for hours. I popped in and out of "stages" just desperate for balance and normalcy. Normalcy was already starring me in the face; I just had to accept it.
I'll never experience my old normal like I used to. It was a different phase. A different chapter. A different life. My new normal is this. I'm jovial, but my heart will never stop aching for my son no matter how much time passes or good fortune comes my way. My heart will always skip a beat when I see a baby boy, a pregnant belly or the genuine joy in others' eyes. This isn't to say I don't have my own joy to harbor; I feel at peace with who I am and where I am. It's the disconnection of realities that leaves my heart nervous. I'm attracted to those who understand me. Who can relate. Who can see my pain immediately and aren't afraid to break the silence. My new normal is a distant piece of who I was. I'm cautious. I'm a bit more thoughtful. I'm sensitive. I'm determined. I'm soulful. I'm stronger. I'm a better wife. I'm intolerant of nonsense. I'm more capable of loving...fully.
For months, I've been yearning to get my normal back. My normal doesn't exist any longer. This experience has molded me into a different person. It only makes sense that the impact Max had on my heart would leave an impact on my life. My puzzle pieces were scattered about leaving me with a new journey to fulfill. New intentions. New goals. New dreams. New reasons. This normal makes sense to me.
For many, this is a distant memory; a milestone in the past for me to prevail already. To me, it's the underlying thought of every move I make. These memories will never fade; but the emotions bubbling inside will. It's been a long six months chock-full of self-realization, heartache and invaluable lessons. For now, forever, this is my new normal.
Missing you every single day.
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5 Comments
This is such a beautifully
This is such a beautifully written and heartfelt tribute to your sweet boy. You have captured the words to describe how I feel, too, but could not say. I am ever-inspired by your strength, perseverance, and ability to seek and stay in the sunshine through te clouds.
Our new normal is special because we are molded by our children, and I wouldn't want to go back to a normal where they didnt impact me every minute.
Thank you for writing this today. Always thinking about you, friend. Xoxo~Margot
Beautiful and moving post.
Beautiful and moving post. Thank you for having the courage to express what's inside of you.
Thanks for your transparency,
Thanks for your transparency, so that others could be blessed.
Thanks for your transparency,
Thanks for your transparency, so that others could be blessed.
My heart hurts for you
What you've been through is tremendous. Life isn't fair and I think it's ok to still be in shock. Please keep expressing yourself through your writing. It's so healthy to do so. And you have support here on this site for sure!
For eleven years, we tried for a second child, painful procedures, false hopes, and very early problems that we thought were weeks old miscarriages...babies around us that taunted our dreams of giving our daughter a sibling hurt so badly that we finally changed our daughter's school to get away from all the pregnant women and new siblings her classmates were proudly receiving. I thought I would lose my mind being around so many fertile women and growing families, when we were experiencing profound heart ache. Especially as our tiny daughter asked so frequently for a brother or sister with deep sincerity.
To this day, when I hear an infant cry in public I have to get away as fast as possible, because my body still feels that ache and I tear up. I feel those cries deep in my core.
You have a new normal now, and a connection to heaven through your guardian cherub. Perhaps immersing yourself in religious art (specifically the cherubims and seraphims) during the holiday season will give you some comfort and help you stay close to your son in a peaceful, spiritual way.
I loved the new photo you posted on your last blog. Hang in there and keep praying for healing and for a second chance at motherhood. You're going to be a wonderful, protective mother again soon. I feel it.
Love and peaceful thoughts during the holidays <3
Sharon
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