9946
viewsAn Uninvited Guest
By Charlene Ross, Monday, October 26, 2009, 9 commentsI haven’t been writing much lately. I think it’s because I always try to write a funny blog and lately I haven’t felt very funny. I don’t want to burden people with my sadness. But the truth is since my sister-in-law, Tammy, died almost 4 months ago I’ve been sad every day. Oh sure, I’ve had some good times. I’ve fired a stripper and flirted with bartenders and gone on vacation. I put on a brave face and a big smile because I have to. I’m a mom. I’m a wife. I’m a woman. That’s what we do. And in the normal course of the day hours will go by and I won’t even think of her or if I do I will push the thought aside to get through the day, but it’s always there – even when I’m spending a quiet weekend with my son, or celebrating my friend’s marriage – this powerful thing called grief, lurking underneath the surface; waiting to pounce on me at a moment’s notice.
I haven’t written about this very much because as I said I don’t like to burden people. I don’t want to make them sad. My brother reads this blog and I don’t want to make him sad. But here’s the thing…he doesn’t need my words to make him sad. He already is sad. Every minute of every day. He is light years beyond sad. He. Is. Devastated.
I don’t know why but every single time I get into my car by myself I relive the phone call that came from my brother at 7AM on July 4th. Most times I just try to push it aside – I have to get through my day. But some days I just can’t and the tears come hard and quick. Forget the cute little car-sized box of Kleenex, I’ve got a big ol’ box of Puffs with a permanent spot in my center console. Local commuters in my neighborhood probably think of me as the crazy lady who’s always crying in her car.
When I saw on the caller ID that it was my brother calling I knew that something wasn’t right. He had driven to Arizona the night before with his youngest daughter to pick up his wife and middle daughter from a visit with Tammy’s mother. I was afraid he’d gotten into an accident or maybe his truck broke down on the way…the quick and random thoughts that can go through your mind in just a second…but still I answered the phone in a funny way (because that’s what I do, if I’m funny then everything must be okay right?)
“Caller from Arizona, go ahead please,” I said in my best radio voice.
“Hey.”
And I could tell by the tone.
“Are you okay?”
“No.”
“What’s wrong?” Oh no, I was right. There was an accident. Was Aly okay?
“Tammy died.”
“What?!” That didn’t make any sense. Tammy wasn’t in the car. He was going to get her. He was going to bring her home from a 3-week visit with her mother. He probably wasn’t even going to get to Arizona until after midnight. How could she have died.
“She had a heart attack.”
Tammy had genetic heart problems. She had had a triple bypass 9 years ago at the age of 28. But she was healthy. She was fine now. She. Was. Fine. Now.
“Oh Richard, no! No! No! No!”
But I made myself stop crying very quickly because I didn’t want to upset him more. Ten hours earlier the love of his life died as he was driving to bring her home and he hadn’t seen her in almost 3 weeks and I didn’t want to upset him by crying too much? What the hell is wrong with me?
And in the hours of us deciding who was going to Arizona – it ended up being me, my mom, my oldest niece, her boyfriend, and my brother’s friend – I didn’t call any of my friends to let them know…my closest friends – the core as we call ourselves – women who knew Tammy and loved her too. It was the 4th of July and I had drive 5 hours to Arizona to be with my brother and to get his daughter to him, what could they do? I didn’t want to ruin their holiday. I didn’t want to bother them. And I would just like to say that my friend’s are awesome and while yes, it most certainly would have ruined their day, it wouldn’t have bothered them. They would have been there for me and rallied and done whatever I needed – watched my kids, brought my family a meal, just given me a hug. So it wasn’t because I think so little of my friends that I didn’t call them. It was because I think so much of them.
And that is why I’m still finding it difficult to write as much as I used to. I sit down at my computer and just scare at the screen and find it so much easier to get lost in the frivolity of Facebook and Spider Solitaire. If I can’t be clever and funny and happy why would anyone want to read what I have to say? I’m the funny girl. The happy girl. I don’t want to be one of those negative people who always bring people down. But I’m starting to realize that expressing sadness does not equal being negative. I refuse to let this grief take over who I am as a person, but that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to wallow in it every now and then (or even every day as long as it’s just a little bit).
I wrote a poem about grief (still rough and unfinished) earlier this year when my friend Lizzy died in January. Also of a heart attack. At the age of 41. Yeah two women I love –mothers, wives, sisters, friends- died at a very young age from heart disease this year. (It’s been an incredibly shitty year.) It was inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert’s personification of depression and loneliness in Eat Pray Love. (I say inspired, you might say completely ripped off – but as I often tell my kids, let’s not get caught up in semantics.)
An Uninvited Guest
After the shock
and the funeral
and finally…acceptance
Grief still comes without warning.
Like an uninvited house guest
walking through your front door without knocking
and making herself comfortable on your brand new couch
before you’ve had time to vacuum the rug
and properly prepare for company.
And you never know how long she will stay.
Will she simply be dropping by for dinner
or will she be staying overnight
through the weekend and into next week -
Long overstaying a welcome
that was never extended in the first place.
And when she finally does leave
how long will you have
to get you’re your house back in order
before she comes back again?
I’m so sorry to have been so gloomy today. And I hope I didn’t bother you or burden you or even make you too sad. Writing this has made me feel better. Thank you for taking the time to read it and share in my sorrow. I promise not to wallow endlessly in my misery forever. I promise to grieve for the beautiful souls who left me both this year and before, but to also be joyful that they are together and watching over me and my family. I promise to keep looking for my funny muse and to make all of us -myself included- laugh again soon.
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9 Comments
My Dear Charlene,
My Dear Charlene, STOP SAYING YOU"RE SORRY! We love you. We love you 'funny.' And we love you "not funny". You are not just defined as "The funny girl." You are so much more than that....with several dimensions and depth and layers. My heart aches for you and prays for you. Your poem, "The Univited Guest" reminds me of Anne Lamott's story in "Bird by Bird".... Anne says, "People smelling of old rust and bad breath, pull up chairs next to me. They are not wanted. They smell." She is talking about depresssion and her mental illnesses. We are here. Always. Always. Love, Kim
((hugs))
Charlene, you glorious woman, it will never matter whether you're happy or sad or funny or engaging or depressed or quiet - love is cool that way, isn't it? We love you and want whomever (or whoever, gawd I hate grammar) you are in the moment. I have tears streaming down my face, because I wholly get what you are describing. I get choked up over my nephew's death without warning and it never fails to surprise me how swiftly my tears spill. It's just so damn unfair and I want him back. That's it. Just that. I get very, very angry that I can't have what I want. And then I cry some more. I cry for my sister, who will never stop grieving, and I cry for my nephew, who would probably have been on his senior homecoming court this week. I cry for the smiles we'll never see again and the laughter that has suspended. And now it's OK that I'm crying for you and the loss of your sister-in-law, too. They live in our laughter, but they also live in our tears. It's all real and it's all right. So you just go right ahead and take one day at a time and know that, in a dozen more years, our blogs will read a little differently and our wounds will have healed somewhat, but the ache will never, ever leave - they were special and earned the remembrance. "Trust Life's unfolding..."
cheers :)
I am so steeped in admiration of you right now seriously, you'd be embarrassed. You've so eloquently stated what so many of us feel it's as though you've (finally) put This Thing into words so that the rest of can (finally) exhale. Thank you from the trenches. The chokehold that sadness plays in our daily hamster wheel is sometimes too enormous for words -- especially witty ones. I totally get you. Hang in there, sis.
thank-you for sharing
Charlene,
Thank-you for sharing your feeling with us. I can identify. iIwalked by a restaurant today that my dad loved, and out of no-where tears came strolling down my face. I used to view it as deep grief..now I feel blessed to have loved my dad so much.
In love and Peace,
Wolffie
www.wolffieswords.blogspot.com
Oh, Charlene. I wish I could
Oh, Charlene. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Please don't ever apologize for how you feel or how you think you make other people feel. We're all human. We have moments of happiness, sadness, anger, depression, joy, etc. No one is expected to be all things at all times. There are moments when I'm having a really rotten day and for some reason it makes me feel better to bitch about it in a status update on FB. I do pause sometimes too and wonder if other people will be affected by it, but then I realize that I can only be myself in all emotions we feel as humans. So, I post and know that if people don't like it, they can delete or hide me. Life is a roller coaster. There are many highs and lows, and some twists and turns in between. I'm so sorry for you and your family. I can't even imagine the pain you are all going through, although you've beautifully described it. This is one part of life that is so hard to understand. Please know that Tammy and Lizzy are surely looking over you. I believe that in the end, all we can take with us is the love in our hearts. I'm certain that their hearts were overflowing with the love they received in their lives and now. And, please know that I will always be here if you EVER need ANYthing. If you need someone to talk to, cry to, scream at... whatever. Seriously. Feel free to call me anytime. I'll email you my phone number so you have it. Please take care, cry whenever you want to, laugh when you need to, but most of all, know that you have people that truly care about you. M
Ditto
My Sweet Chay,
Here's what's interesting about this blog...I tend to "save you". Well not YOU per se, but your blogs. Lately (since my surgery) my days have been really rough and I save your blog until a moment when I really need a smile or giggle during the work day. Sometimes I save it until I get home, put the kids to bed and have my time alone. You've kinda become my own personal "international coffee".
For some reason today I chose to save you because I was too busy at work and have really been trying to focus on my projects since I've missed 2 months of work and it has caught up to me. So here I am settling into my "alone time" knowing that your blog is waiting for me.
As I started reading, I read so fast skimming the page to get to the root of the sadness and I see Tammy's name and immediately start to tear up. Then I go back and slowly read each word and really start to cry because I too was reliving that moment when Ed called me and the aftermath of phone calls to my parents, Dena, and you.
Thanks for putting into words what I couldn't ask because I didn't want you to relive that moment or retell it more than you needed to. I TOTALLY understand what you're saying about Tammy and how much you think about her. For some reason she has had the same effect on me. Not because we were the best of friends, but because of how much she and Richard loved each other and how her death has impacted my "other brother" and their girls. (I could not imagine life without Ray). I think about her ALL. THE. TIME. I feel so blessed to have seen her and Ashley in April and how much we laughed and hung out with the kids. I was really enjoying our reconnecting daily on FB and sharing in each other's lives. She always sent the sweetest messages.
Ok, I'm rambling now. I love you and miss you and thank you for your gift of writing and expressing yourself.
Love,May
Wow!
wordless
at this moment. Not only by your blog, but also by the beautiful comments written by your friends and fellow writers. Your poem expresses grief surely as "she" is; entitled and encompassing. That is okay. Her visits are certain and the length of her stay unknown. We deal with her as best as we can until we find the strength to boot her out on her ass. You are loved, to be sure. Feel what you need; let the others be funny for a spell. The laughter you provide us is not the only reason we read your blogs and frankly holds less importance than all the other terrific qualities that make you who you are. Hugs and love to you, my friend.
Dear Charlene, I started to
Dear Charlene,
I started to read your blog and had to come back to it so I could really sit and take in your words andyour sorrow. From the words "An Uninvented Guest" I thought that you will never be one and that however you feel about whatever it is - we are here for you.
to lose 2 friends to heart disease in a matter of a few months has got to be so heartbraking and hard to boucne back from. So what do we do? We grieve and grief shows up whenever it wants, but it allows us to get the pain out and wash away tiny bits of saddness with our tears.
I feel so lucky to know you from you words and please know that we are here for you. Last year when I blogegd about something that was very upsetting to me, you all came out for me. We are here for you!
xxxx
elizabeth
elizabeth cassidy -Life and Career Coach www.BranchingOutLifeCoaching.com
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