Last week I blogged about why Bradley Cooper should date me (and would like to point out that most people agreed!)  I also stated in that blog that my husband said he wouldn’t have sex with Renee Zellweger. He would like me to post a correction. Apparently he never said he wouldn’t have sex with her, just that he’d rather have sex with me. Okay…I’ll take that.

I also made snarky comments about Renee Zellweger’s diet of watermelon for breakfast and alluded to the fact that it’s not hard to be so skinny when you starve yourself. My friend Anushka who read and loved the book Skinny Bitch told me that the #1 rule in Skinny Bitch is fruit for breakfast. Now I can’t read the book Skinny Bitch as it promotes an organic vegan lifestyle with no coffee, no sugar and very little alcohol (occasional organic wine only – what, no vodka?!) So sorry but that type of lifestyle, while I’m sure is very healthy does not appeal to me. Talk about no fun! Life is short. Bring on the tequila and meat! Plus the feminist in me just can’t stomach a book that calls women who don’t follow their regime fat pigs – even if (perhaps especially if) it’s just a gimmick to sell books. (And I’ll tell you what, I’d rather be a fat pig –which I’m not BTW – than a mean bitch, even if that bitch is skinny, any day!)

But Anushka (who is skinny, but not mean and would never, ever call someone a fat pig) told me that when she was following the fruit for breakfast rule she’d had a lot of energy and felt really light. She is gorgeous and has a killer body so I figured I’d try it out for a few days to see what happened. I’ve been trying to lose 10 pounds (you know, since puberty) and thought that the whole fruit for breakfast thing might help push things in the right direction. Well if by light she meant lightheaded and by full of energy she meant so freaking hungry that you can feel your stomach turning itself inside out in search of food in other places inside your body making you shaky and jumpy – then yeah, I felt that way too.

And to top it off I was so hungry by lunch that I overate to compensate and try to turn my stomach from inside out to right side in. This of course caused me to gain a pound and a half. Fan-freaking-tastic!

Maybe my friend Anushka looks the way she does because she is 12 years younger than me, blessed with good genetics and does yoga all the time. And if that weren’t enough to make me hate her, she literally moved to a tropical island paradise in the Caribbean to be a stay-at-home mom while her husband attends medical school there. And she has the coolest name in the world. I think I’m going to have to stop being her friend. (Just kidding Anushka – you know I love you and miss you to pieces!)

So I guess if I really want to get those 10 pounds off (and with Thanksgiving and Christmas just around the corner isn’t it just the perfect time to diet?) I’ll have to do it the old fashioned way – by watching my calorie intake (bye bye Halloween candy) and getting my ass to the gym more times a week than not. And when I do, watch out Bradley Cooper – you’re all mine!

Charlene Ross

Skirtsetter

Special Education Instructional Assistant and writer

I'm a 40ish happily married mom living in the suburbs of Southern California and trying my hardest to have a life more fun and interesting than that sounds! After college I w...