Selling my Soul to the Devil That is Black Friday

I have never been a Black Friday shopper. I did it once two years ago and vowed never to do it again. And I think stores opening at midnight on Friday –or worse 10PM on Thanksgiving- is disgusting. Can’t the American worker catch a break and enjoy the warmth of their cozy after spending a lovely holiday with their family  instead of worrying about going to work when they should by all rights be sleeping?

And even more importantly shouldn’t I be able to sleep soundly in my tryptophan and white wine stupor and not have to worry about missing out on some incredible deal?

So I was absolutely positively NOT going to shop the Black Friday sales last weekend.  But I decided to check out the ads anyway to see what they were offering. You know… just in case.

Crap. I really shouldn’t have done that. Of course the one thing I wanted for my kids –an X-Box- was on sale at Target and at Walmart. Target opened at midnight and Walmart opened at 10Pm, but the Walmart deal that appealed to me was an online-only deal available at midnight. The Walmart deal was better – for $10 more than the Target deal (well really $60 more but with a $50 Walmart gift card with purchase) you received the type of violent video game I once swore I would never let my son play and a 3-month subscription to be able to play that violent video game online with your friends a block away or a bunch of creepy geeky gamers you don’t know. Fantastic!

Here’s the thing. I have to get my son an X-Box this Christmas. I just have to. Because earlier this year my brother loaned my son his extra X-Box and my son went out and bought a memory card and a controller and a minimally violent game and was out over $100 and less than a month later he turned on the X-Box and was greeted with the infamous “red ring of death” that makes the system inoperable. He didn’t break it. It just broke.

So now I feel obligated to replace my brother’s (I haven’t yet) and buy my son (who is such a good boy) a new one.

So even though I hate the fact that stores won’t let their employees (or me) sleep on what should be a work-free holiday…

and even though (except for incredibly rare occasions – like this) I boycott Walmart (yes I’m one of those)

and even though if I did shop there apparently I’d get an eyeful of fellow shoppers like this…

and workers like this...

to surreptitiously take photos of and post on the Internet for all the world to see.

Sorry –off topic– where was I?

Oh yes, even though I hate Black Friday and I hate Walmart, I was going to sell my soul and shop at Walmart on Black Friday so my good son could murder friends and strangers. (You know, virtually.)

At least I could do it from the comfort of my own home and avoid being trampled or pepper sprayed as the sale I was interested in was online-only. (As a side note on our way home from Thanksgiving dinner at my uncle’s we drove by the Walmart with the pepper spray incident probably about the time it was happening and even considered going in because our kids wanted to “experience Black Friday”. Needless to say we’re very happy we stayed on the freeway and just kept driving.)

So with everyone in my house asleep, I waited until midnight to get the Black Friday deal of the year and make my son happy. At 12 midnight exactly I clicked on my desired item. Not available yet. Click. Click. Click. 12:01 Not available yet. Click. Click. Click. 12:02 Not available yet. Click. Click. Click. Mother effing click. Click. Effing Click. 12:03 available. Click. In my cart. Hooray! Click to cart. Cannot perform this function at this time. Instructed to click backtab and try again. Backtab. Click. And repeat 1,527 times until finally inside cart. Give all credit card and address information. Click and watch the little wheel spin while the order is processing. For five minutes. Order did not process. Try again. Click. Backtab. Click. Backtab. Click.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

It’s 12:32 and I am done with this stupid game. That’s what I get for shopping at Walmart when I know that shopping at Walmart is bad. I should have gone to Target. Instead I gave in to the tryptophan  and the white wine and the fact that it was the middle of the night and went to bed.

But of course I couldn’t sleep. All I could think about was that stupid X-Box and stupid Walmart and stupid Black Friday that takes away the meaning of Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time when instead of focusing on what we don’t have (like a publishing deal, a free-pass weekend with Bradley Cooper in a 5-star hotel with 1,000 count sheets, a closet full of clothes that still fit, and a freaking X-Box for our son) we focus on what we do have – a blog that my mom thinks is funny, a husband and kids that I love and adore, so much food in my belly that my closet is full of clothes that don’t fit and two different gaming systems where you can murder the zombie sitting next to you instead of some random zombie across town. Thanksgiving is supposed to be about giving thanks, not about Black Friday! Stupid Walmart! Stupid consumerism! Stupid me!

The last time I looked at the clock before finally drifting off to a restless sleep it was 1:23. I woke up at 6:00 and decided to go to Target. They were probably sold out of the X-Box, but I knew I’d never stop perseverating on it if I didn’t try.

Target was full of employees standing around and not very many customers at all.

“Is there something you’re looking for?” asked a sleepy looking kid.

“Probably everything you’re out of,” I answered. He laughed. “Do you still have the X-Box in your flyer?” I asked him.

“Yes we do. Do you need anything else?”

Actually I did. Unlike Walmart, Target actually had other things I wanted.

“Do you have Dance Party 3 for Wii?” Yep.

“Do you have blah blah blah (for my husband who reads my blog)?” Yep.

“Do you have blah blah blah (for my mom who thinks my blog is funny)?” Nope. Sold out. (Sorry mom!)

“So was it crazy in here last night?” I asked him as he was ringing me up.

“Yeah, for about an hour,” he told me. “Then we spent most of the morning just walking around the store.”

So I have to wonder –these stores that open at midnight (or 10PM) and then are paying their workers to stand around and do nothing but straighten a few shelves for four or five hours after the rush- are they really winning? Is it really worth it?

This Black Friday experience has really reinforced what I already know. Target is good. Walmart is bad. Thanksgiving is not for shopping – it’s for being thankful. Next year when my belly is full of good food and white wine and the tryptophan is pulsing through my veins, I’m going to do what everyone in this country should be doing on this fine American holiday – I’m going to climb into my cozy bed, count my many blessings, and go to sleep.

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*Photos from http://www.peopleofwalmart.com. Check out the site for more funny (and often deeply disturbing) pictures.