Storming the Bastille..I Mean the Freezer

Hello my darling Skirts! Since today is Bastille Day, Did you know that?  Do ya care?  I don't really--I'm posting one of the very first monologues that I’d written which went on to become a part of my show Thin Body Fat Mind.  Since today is Bastille Day I thought I’d share just as a trip down memory lane.

Thankfully, a lot has changed since then.

It’s July 10, 2000, I’m  sitting by the water’s edge in Riverside Park and I can see in the distance that there’s a small boat docked in the river flying a French flag, and my first thought was, “Is it Bastille Day?” " I don’t think so."  Then as I am looking at that lovely boat with that lovely flag I begin thinking about France - french baguettes, brie, white wine, picholine olives,
pate—and I imagine myself being invited onto this boat that I see docked in the Hudson River by people I’ve never met before to eat this lovely French feast they’ve assembled not because it’s Bastille Day, for in fact July 10th is not Bastille Day, but just because.

And while I am imagining walking into the galley of the boat, being greeted with a lovely glass of french champagne by some man in a beret,  I remember back about a year ago to one Thursday while I was walking in Soho and one of the side streets had a French fair.  There were little french men dressed in those typically French black and white striped  shirts, crepe stands and an orangina stand ooh la, la,  (How is that orangina stuff, good?  )

I Wouldn't know, I've never let myself have it.

I walked through the whole fair, admiring all of the food stands but didn’t eat or drink one thing.

Why you ask?

Because I could never stop and have a spontaneous food moment - God forbid , I might incite a binge!!  I might incite a binge if I have a frigging cup of Orangina!!!  God forbid I stray from my food program.   I might start getting cravings I can’t control, I might start eating things I like and then....I’LL GAIN WEIGHT!!!!

I quickly left the fair and got on the subway to head home to eat what I had left for myself for lunch.  BROWN RICE AND SOY CHEESE.   That was my daily ritual.  Yes, I ran home like an obedient little dog to eat my dog food lunch.  Hated it, but I ate it.  As a matter of fact, I ate it every day.

Sadly I realize that I have missed many opportunities to have spontaneous food moments.  Because whenever I had the chance to eat something tasty the answer was always NO!!  The hot fudge sundaes at Docks restaurant thatI longed for but wouldn’t dare let myself have.  An occasional milkshake instead of the diet cokes which would have soothed me to the depths of my being.  Dozens of steaming cups of hot chocolate over flowing with whipped cream that I craved every time the temperature dropped below 40.  Always a different craving, always the same answer “No, not now”  But if not now when?  “Some undisclosed future date when you will be so evolved, so vibrant and fulfilled you will not even want these things any more. 

Yeah, right.

The "no’s" eventually reach critical mass and I self  - combust.

It is any Thursday night.  I try desperately to somehow inject some excitement and spontaneity into my life by deciding to go to the deli and buy a pint of Sharon’s sorbet coconut with a Hershey bar smashed into it for added texture. 

Exciting in and of itself--not at all.  But the emotional rollercoaster and the mental back and forth...well there's a fun way to spend an evening alone.

As soon as the thought hits me I’m out the door and walking down Broadway.  The next thing you know I am up to my shoulder in the deli freezer digging for Sharon’s coconut Sorbet like some Arctic bend over .  I’m frantically throwing the other flavors aside to get to the bottom of
the freezer when I finally put my hands on that one last pint of coconut.   Whew, what a relief.  It has to be the coconut with the hershey bars tonight, a different brand or a different flavor WILL NOT DUE.  I don’t do substitutes.  If I can’t get exactly what I’m craving at the moment I will go from store to store until I find it.

I buy the ice cream and the hershey bars and begin sprinting at top speed  home from the deli. 

Well, why not burn a few calories before the food fest begins, I figure.

I burst in the door of the apartment, run into the kitchen and get a big spoon to start digging out the sorbet into a bowl.  I then go into the bedroom for a hammer to smash the chocolate bars.  I put the remainder of the ice cream in the freezer - ha, what a joke.  I know I’m going to finish it - but, I like to keep a little dignity about the whole event and put just some of the ice cream in a bowl as if I’m not going to finish it. 

Just a little game I play with myself.  Just a little part of me holding out hope that maybe I will not go back for the rest. 

 Maybe the one helping will be enough.  But sadly, it's never enough.  And the truth of what I'm feeling in the moment is that all of the ice cream on the planet will never be enoug.

One  time I ate two pints of Ben & Jerry’s Heath Bar crunch ice cream in a row - the way I justified it was one was for dinner , and one was for dessert.

Of course the purchase of this ice cream never takes place at the deli across the street from my house.  I go in there almost every night and I plunk down my gallon of Poland Spring water and 2 lemons.  I feel so proud , so righteous, so superior.  The guys that work there know me.  I  feel so full of virtue  that all they ever see me buy is water and lemons.  Of course while I’m waiting to pay I scan the ice cream freezer in case Ben or Hagen has come out with a new flavor.  But I would never buy it - not there .  I couldn’t bear the thought of ruining my spotless reputation with the deli men. 

I actually think  they give a shit what I buy!!!

Am I really so hypnotized  by my food issues that I really think the whole world is keeping a log of what I eat?  

Of course they could care less.  But I don’t have the ability to be rational about this, that’s why when I want ice cream I go to the deli around the corner instead of the deli across the street.  Sick. Crazy.  I know.    If I could be rational about food I wouldn’t act like I was committing a crime every time I bought a pint of ice cream.   If I were rational about food I wouldn’t be having this crazy fantasy about a group of people inviting me onto their boat to eat a French feast as a pre-Bastille day celebration.  Hey maybe I'll go out tonight and get some brie and french bread to celebrate--it's only a few days away.Viva La France!