Finding My Message in Stillness

I can hear the sounds of the Hudson River behind me as I jot down my thoughts in my bright red spiral notebook. I purposely picked red because the color symbolizes passion and power – two emotions I hope to feel as I start putting my thoughts onto paper (and screen). The warm summer air lingers, and there are moments where the wind feels like a faint whisper, gently encouraging me to continue to write.

 

I look around and breathe in the greenery. The bench is uncomfortable beneath me, but I don’t mind. Joggers pass by with ease; dogs bark and play while their “parents” chat about their most recent adventures.

 

I shift my weight and look down at my lap. 

 

I’ve had this notebook for some time now. It’s been a little over a year since I last blogged. It’s not as though I haven’t wanted to – it’s just easy for me to burry myself in responsibilities, rush to the next appointment; make a plan to “do it later.” The truth is, I have been too distracted by my own voice and somehow convinced myself that what I had to share simply wasn’t worth the effort. Shame on me. At nine years old, school and after school activities meant sharing my stories with anyone kind enough to listen. At twenty-nine, I am trying so desperately to figure out what the story is I want to tell and the best way to tell it. For the past year or so, I have spent so many days with full sentences, stories even, brewing in my brain and by the time I get to the notebook, I’ve moved on.  

 

I’ve struggled to pin point what “my message is.”

 

From as far back as I can remember I have always been fascinated by stories. I come from a loud, boisterous bunch, where stories were – and still are – tossed around at the dinner table just as much as warm garlic bread. To this day, the smell of a freshly borrowed book from the local library brings a smile to my face. As I turn the pages of a book and take in that musty, old-familiar, I’m reminded of rainy Saturday afternoons, where I would spend hours in my bedroom, reading and writing stories.

 

As an adult, my perfect day would involve reading or writing, and the beach, but for now we’ll just stick with the reading/writing part. It’s one of the reasons why I decided to pursue a master’s in publishing. After answering a lot of questions and doing research on what it is I want to spend my days doing, combined with learning about how so many are miserable in their jobs – including me at the time – it was time to take the leap. They say – whoever they are – that publishing is a labor of love. It feels great to lead with my heart.

 

While interning at Lantern Books this summer as part of my graduate work, I had an eye-opening conversation with Martin. We were discussing authors and what makes their writing unique. “This might sound a bit harsh, but I often use the expression, ‘who cares?’ In other words, ‘what’s so interesting and unique that readers will want to read your story?” Martin thoughtfully replied that I was thinking like an editor or a publisher, where if an author is writing about a subject that he or she cares about, it’s just a way for them to express themselves creatively.

 

 

So, while I’ve wanted to “express myself creatively,” by writing about my beach wedding followed by an unforgettable 10 days in Italy, I stopped myself. For someone who has always been exceptionally strong at planning for the future, I’ve gotten pretty good at enjoying the moment – and releasing the worry or need to know what will happen next. Now I just have to find a balance between enjoying the moment and then reflecting back on it through my writing.

 

How do you know what to write about versus accepting some thoughts as simply thoughts that you let go of? My wedding and honeymoon was such a special time. I have plenty of pictures and video – and Randy and I both kept pocket-sized journals while we traveled through Rome, Amalfi Coast/Positano, Tuscany, Florence and Venice. Maybe I’ll revisit those journals someday…

 

Last December, we moved minutes away from New York City. I’m looking at the Manhattan skyline right now from this bench. It’s even more beautiful that I imagined it to be when we were hoping this is where we would eventually move to. We are both so grateful to have finally found our soul-nourishing environment. (Thank you to Cheryl Richardson who uses that term throughout her work and gave me a fresh perspective on what “home” should feel like)

 

Our apartment is nestled on a quiet corner surrounded by the river. Liberty State Park is our “front yard.” I’ve met so many adorable dogs in the few short months we’ve lived here, and when the time is right, it will be our turn to adopt a puppy.

 

Right now I’m reading a book “Working for Good” by Jeff Klein. Once I complete “Working for Good,” I will move onto a long list of books that will hopefully inspire me in the volunteer work I will be doing, alongside my husband, my thesis paper and overall, the direction I want to focus my day to day on as my career progresses.

 

By May 2011, I will have earned my master’s degree in Publishing and am incredibly grateful to be part of the Pace program at Pace University. I am also incredibly grateful that I had the opportunity to intern at Lantern Books. My first experience working in publishing at Lantern Books gave me so many valuable lessons, which I will write more about in future blogs.

 

It’s interesting to look back and remember being a newlywed and moving to a new city, juggling classes and trying to manifest my wishes into reality. January 1 was a big turning point for me because I rode the subway alone for the first time (I know, how country bumpkin as my old manager used to call me). Now, I ride the subway with a sense of belonging.

 

I’m still learning my way around New York and am in search of finding “my message.” I do believe that whatever it is I want to share will relate to the new philanthropic project I am working on, alongside my husband. Our new campaign, “30 Deeds, 30 Days” will take us both a journey where for the entire month of September, we will be volunteering at 30 different charitable organizations and documenting the experience. Since he has such a strong platform, we are fortunate enough to reach a lot of people and hope to inspire others to volunteer. More on this to come in another blog, but for now I’m going to sit back and take in the scenery. I’ve seen a few boats pass by and feel a sense of calm wash over me just like the waves crashing over the rocks.