Cocaine, Chopin and golf

Recently, I have taken up a new interest in my ex-husband which has sparked a frenzy among my family and friends. 

"Don't go back to him," they say. " Why would you want him?"

I kindly tell them that I am not going back, but what they don't know is that since our break six years ago we have remained very close.

This man who inspired me for ten years has come back into my life, resulting in deep reflection on every decision I have made since he left. This is not me professing my love for him, but I am exploring how two very troubled individuals can come together to climb to great heights inspiring everyone around them including each other.

We met at boarding school, an exclusive Math & Science Academy, that was home to some of the most talented individuals I have ever known and he is one of them. As a child prodigy concert pianist, his genius was and is unmatched . He has the ability to conquer just about any subject including the most difficult subject of all -me.

Lately, we have been talking on the phone every night reminiscing about old times and pondering our future. When he told me he bought a plane ticket  so I could visit him all I could think about was the fun and success our relationship cultivated.  Together we covered New York Fashion Week for years. His photographs brought my stories to life.  We worked  hard and played hard. Drugs were a part of our everyday existence along with golf and classical music. We attended the opera, plays and jazz concerts on a regular basis. In return, I learned about almost every sport imaginable, watched the Masters from start to finish, played soccer barefoot in Central Park and shared enthusiam when the World Cup rolled around. Now, that I live in Atlanta and he is in the Pacific Northwest, the miles between us are equivalent to the lives we've lived without each other. He teases me about living in Atlanta and embracing Black culture. The opera and plays have been replaced with parties, fashion has been replaced with the music industry, and Jewish men have been replaced with non-Jewish Black men and somehow I feel I have disappointed him.

We dreamed of someday raising a family in upstate New York and becoming masters of our crafts. Our relationship is one that I have been unable to duplicate with any other man. As I look back, I realize it is our complexities that kept us together. As a child prodigy I was an escape from the pressure he faced from his family to always be number one. He was my escape from me family that views success as having babies and getting married. He loved to see me flourish in my field and we clung to one another. We entertained some of the world's most talented opera singers and musicians at our home. They loved  my cooking. Many were baffled by my natural submissveness , but we had an amazing life together. A life that to this day comforts my when I'm surrounded by people who question everything about me.  We had a unique brand of love that was nothing less than crazy and required a great deal of forgiveness.

I can remember waking up early in the morning to find him missing from our bed. I walked  all over our apartment  wondering where could he be. I prayed I wasn't going to have to run off  another woman in a long line of ghost that haunted our relationship.  I walked outside and heard a scream and as I continued down the sidewalk I found him hitting balls on the Putt-Putt golf course at 5 a.m. in his pajamas. He missed living in the old house on the golf course, the same golf course where they held the LPGA. We would waste away summer days getting stoned on the green, sitting under a weeping willow, sharing our aspirations. So of course, when I found him early that morning the only thing I could say was-

" Do you want me to bring you some tea?"

His tolerance was even greater than mine. He would take care of me when I got so drunk I had to vomit everywhere ( which was everytime I got drunk). He turned a blind eye to all the Jewish American Princes from various places along the east coast that begged me to leave him, but I never left him. Even after we split up and he faced rehab years later I was there for him, the same way he is there for me as I face a major crossroads in my life right now. I still think of our marriage as a very successfull relationship, because we had real love. No we were not perfect, no we didn't even make it to year 11, but we understood each other. We always had each other's back. We sacrificed for each other and our love healed many of our deep seated wounds.  I do believe the only regrets we  have is letting go.

Now, as we sit on the phone during the wee hours of the night  while he plays Chopin Nocturne op.72. no 1, he tells me how beautiful I have always been to him and then he'll ask  a question.

"What do you think it would have been like if we had children? They would have been genuises, I know that much."

"With a cocaine problem," I reply.