habits and fairy dust

well, well, well. we meet again...i've royally failed my last promise of less delinquency, but here i am, penitent before you!  

as most of you (who know(ish) me know, my latest venture has been as the co-founder and editor in chief of modern ink mag (a venture that has kept me content and beyond occupied!). we've grown an exorbitant amount over the past year, and i'm thrilled to report that we were are on the front page of thebestdesigns.com (whoot-whoot!). 

but, that's not really why i decided to post.  i thought many of you might be specifically interested in modern ink's post today, answering the question of a new working-mom, which is of great interest to me as a fellow working mom, and to my dear friend, allison (who also happens to be modern ink's creative director).  just wanted to share with you since i know so many of you share in our madness:

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Q: “I have two small kids and had to unexpectedly go back to working outside the home. I suddenly feel that my life has a thousand other lives of its own . . . how am I supposed to balance all of this?” 

A: Ahhh, tale as old as time, and unfortunately not one usually spoken with confident laughter but whispered (or gasp― yelled) through guilt, insecurity, and panic over a glass― or two (okay, maybe three)― of wine after the kids’ lids are tightly closed for the night.  This is when round two of the work day begins . . . bathroom floorboards. Laundry. Organizing. Scrubbing a filmy mountain of food off the counter you failed to notice after last night’s dinner. (Pasta in all her glory can be a working mom’s best friend or arch nemesis, but that’s an entirely separate post.)

We (Rach and Allison) decided to tackle this question ourselves, not because we have a really superb answer for you (sigh― we don’t), but because somewhere within the vortex of our lives squared (L²? ) or to the infinite power (no clue what that equation would look like) we’ve come to rely on a few simple, and a few not-so-simple, mantras.

Become a creature of habit.  It is, admittedly, a cliched’ statement, but it’s one dear to our collective heart.  Scheduling activities― be they meetings, appointments, presentations, dinner with your significant other, or kids’ after school playdates and practices― at the same time each day/week/month/year (example: pick up the dry cleaning every other Monday at 5:30) as often as possible will give you the illusion of control, and illusions aren’t always a bad thing (those are delusions, and yes, they are bad). If things look and feel in order, then at some point, they become order for you.

Don’t overbook.  As you are busy becoming that dubious creature of habit, remember to space them out. (Read: as tempting as it is, resist booking your kids’ doctor appointments, your car service, your hair appointment, the dry cleaning, the teacher conferences, the cable guy, shoe shopping with a whiney toddler, and the new gourmet recipe (ha!) all on your one day off) . . . sounds crazy, but we’ve all made similar erroneous attempts. This schedule never works and you’re too exhausted to enjoy that smoked duck and oyster gumbo at the end of it, anyway!

Stop feeling guilty ( . . . about not making that gumbo). We really can’t be perfect all the time (or any of the time for that matter). No one can. Exhale and let it go . . .

Laugh when you feel like crying. Humor is a God-send. The fact that we have the capacity for laughter is a palpable reminder to seek humor in otherwise stressful moments― flat tires, sour milk, forgotten track meets, toddler, tween― or co worker― attitudes . . . we recommend digging deep and using it whenever possible and appropriate. It tends to be such a lovelier defense mechanism than tears.

Don’t play the martyr.  This one’s tricky. Being a working mom feels a bit like a dog’s chew toy must feel― torn, tugged in several directions at once, spit out, and sometimes even lost. But everyone, regardless of gender, relationship status, number of kids (if any), or career feels that way. Our advice? Resist the urge to complain to your non-mom friend about how much less time you think you have. We promise. She’s dealing with her own life-consuming issues that you probably aren’t privy to (could be anything from emotionally draining fertility treatments to possibly even picking up some of your work slack― yikes!). In the same breath, telling your homemaker friend how nice you think it must be to have all that free time to cook and play with the kids is not going to win you any points. (She doesn’t have free time and is probably daydreaming of how nice wearing a pair of heels, going to the bathroom alone, and having adult conversation while someone else has the kids for a change must be.) Which brings us to:

Find an ear. These three words alone can save you. But we aren’t talking about your husband/boyfriend/partner/therapist’s ear . . . this ear is even better. We’re talking about the ear of another working mom. Sometimes the only person who can empathize with your specific stressors is someone who shares the same ones. Go ahead and talk amongst yourselves. You’ll have that lovely afterglow and might possibly have saved other friendships in the process!

Leave it at the office (or the hospital, the school, the shop, or wherever the offending workspace is).  This statement looks really great in a courier font, but in actuality, it’s quite difficult to bring off the paper.  Sometimes work itself must come home, but the accompanying stress of projects and personality conflicts in the work space doesn’t have to. If all other mantras fail, be sure not to let this one slip through your hands. Keep those work stressors from bleeding into your home life because . . .

Those singular, undistracted, momentary flashes found in transition are sometimes all we get with our children and should be kept guarded and sacred at all times, whether we find the moments parading as fairy dust through the cracked window on a commute to school, in shared laughter over a leaking milk carton and reheated pizza, or within that delicious, echoey, slow-steady breathing of your child as the bedtime story ends (and your second work shift begins). Find those respites of beauty, humor, boldness, and imperfection and cling to them, because at the end of the day all else pales in comparison.

Good Luck!

-Rach (mom of Zi, Asher & Evie) & Allison (mom of Sophie & Hazel)

be sure to check us out at www.moderninkmag.com...till next time!! xxxx