A modern twist on long-distance love

Illustration by Annie Liao

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This is not your father’s (or mother’s) long-distance relationship.

Gone are the days of getting letters in the mail or crying over a long-distance phone bill. With advances in technology, couples in such relationships can talk frequently enough that the relationship may seem like there is no distance at all, experts say.

Julie Spira, author of “The Perils of Cyber Dating,” says many people look at technology to enhance relationships. Whether you use Skype, iChat or text, technology makes it virtually impossible to be disconnected from the world.

Spira said people must still invest in the relationship, and that relationships held together over distance are big commitments.

Reyna Ecker, 21, began dating a combat engineer for the Army shortly before he was deployed to Korea. The couple has been together for four months, but he has been deployed for two of those.

Ecker said although technology keeps them in touch, the time difference keeps them apart.

“It’s a 13-hour time difference from here to Korea, so we mainly use email because we can’t really Skype ,” Ecker said.

Meanwhile, Nancy Winters’ relationship turned into a long-distance one when her husband, Jason, a senior Microsoft systems consultant, was offered a job in Afghanistan.

Jason left in January 2010. Since then, Nancy and her five children have seen him three times.

To not think about the distance, Winters keeps herself busy raising their children, she said. It also helps, she said, knowing Jason spends his days on an Army base.

“When Jason gets off work, he doesn’t have much time to do anything else except watch TV and go to bed,” Winters said. “Keeping ourselves busy makes the time move faster.”

Winters said Skype is great because their children can use it to see their father from across the world.

“It would be hard to not be able to see his face,” she said.

Ecker said that even though she and her boyfriend can’t use Skype as much as they would like because of the time difference, it has helped her long-distance relationship.

“[It] would be harder to have a relationship with someone you can’t see on a regular basis,” Ecker said.

Beyond using technology for couples already in relationships, Spira said online dating services are beneficial because they allow people to meet others they normally wouldn’t.

Renee Garcia Wyden, a therapist in Jacksonville, not only encourages online dating but has several clients in long-distance relationships. Garcia Wyden said Skype is a great tool for long-distance couples because it allows them to interact in ways that are missing through text messages and phone calls.

“Skype allows couples to connect with each other when they are not in the same physical location,” Garcia Wyden said. “I am a firm believer in online dating because technology is amazing when it comes to partnership and relationships.”

Garcia Wyden and Spira recommend to those in long-distance relationships to have dinner dates together via Skype. It gives couples in long-distance relationships a sense of intimacy.

“Skyping allows couples to feel close without sitting on the couch together,” Garcia Wyden said.

Spira advises women to even put on that cute dress and lipstick, the same as they would do face to face.

But Spira cautions that relationships starting out as long distance have a longer honeymoon stage.

“Sometimes long-distance relationships give the false illusion you are in a long-distance relationship, but it is a vacation relationship,” Spira said. “Time is so concentrated you only know vacation mode; it is a romantic fantasy.”

Spira said in vacation relationships, you often only see each other for a short period of time, so you usually stay at nice hotels, eat at expensive restaurants and leave the real world behind.

“You don’t talk about issues real couples face, like talking about paying bills and mold in the house,” Spira said. “Vacation couples often have trouble making the transition into real relationships when they move to the same city or household.”

If you feel you’re in a vacation relationship, Spira said to incorporate regular life into the relationship, find boundaries and how to manage them.

“Try and focus on reality and not just romance.”

Whether the distance in your relationship is temporary or long-lasting, with the growing world of technology, the loneliness decreases.

“Right now the only difference we have from a real relationship is the whole physical aspect,” Ecker said, “but I do get to see him and hear his voice on a daily basis, so it’s not that bad.”

Rachel Tannenbaum: (904) 359-4693