My Beautiful Mind

The mind is such a complicated and mysterious thing. I grew up in a mentally unstable home. Growing up in an alcoholic home is crazy-making. I knew what I knew, I saw what I saw, I heard what I heard, and I felt what I felt. Yet I repeatedly was told that what happened didn’t really happen. Things were explained away. My dad didn’t fall because he was drunk, he tripped on something I had left out (I was responsible). My mom wasn’t crying because she was hurt, they were “happy tears” she tried to explain through a forced smile and wild eyes. I was told I was having fun, when really I was scared or confused about my father’s behavior on outings. And I was constantly being coached about what to say and what not to say to people at school.

All this conditioning resulted in my not really knowing what was true or not true for me. I didn’t trust my intuitions, I couldn’t decipher my feelings, and when I recalled a moment from my childhood, I would question whether it really happened or if it was just something my mom made up to cover up an uncomfortable truth. I felt unrooted, floating around my life not tethered to anything solid. I felt a bit crazy. And I was very sensitive to being called crazy; my husband learned early in our relationship not to call me crazy. Many times I defensively snapped at him when he jokingly said, “you’re so crazy.” “I am not crazy!” I would yell at him. With a crazy look in my eye.

I was scared, scared that I may be crazy. I often felt that I lived my life walking on the edge of sanity. I would look over the edge into the dark abyss that was insanity. I was terrified that if I wasn’t very careful, one misstep could send me over the edge, never to find my way back. I contemplated mental illness when I would see someone on the sidewalk arguing with someone I couldn’t see. She and I may be standing right next to each other, but mentally we may as well be on two different planets. Two different dimensions perhaps?

Maybe I was on my way to insanity, but I remember the moment I decided to choose the road to sanity. My children were asleep in bed, my husband out of town on business, and I was relaxing on the couch flipping through a magazine. I came upon an article about the woman who drowned her children in the bathtub, and I felt a connection to this woman. I had often felt like escaping the oppressive pressures I was feeling. I had often fantasized about packing a bag, leaving a note and driving away. I had even visualized leaving my kids with my neighbor and coming back home to end my life. Even though I had never contemplated hurting my children, reading this article made me wonder; if I slipped into mental illness past the point of no return, could I be capable of hurting my own kids?!

I decided to get help right then and there. I got medical and psychological attention. I started taking better care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I stopped neglecting my needs, my wants, and my passions. Over the past decade since my life changing choice, I have gotten to know myself and I have gotten to know my past. I tore up the script my parents gave me and I wrote my own. I am grounded and I am confident in my perceptions. I trust what I know and feel, and my intuition is strong.

The mind is a beautiful thing in its complexity and mystery. It is also very simple. Who do you want to be? How do you want to live? Your mind is a powerful tool that is available and ready to help you create the life of your dreams.