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viewsFat People are... People.
By AngelaMoore, Friday, March 5, 2010, 9 commentsI recently got together with a girlfriend whom I hadn’t seen in a while. Our children were nearby playing, and we found a cozy spot to drink our tea and visit. We caught each other up on what we and our families had been up to since we’d last seen each other, and during our conversation I happened to comment that I thought her son was such a sweet guy. I was surprised when she started tearing up. She took a moment to compose herself and thanked me for saying so. She said that most people don’t look past the fat to see who he really is.
I put my hand on my friend’s arm and sat silently with her for a moment. I thought of the pain she must be feeling. I myself had witnessed the way not only other children, but even their parents acted toward her son. He used to be in my son’s boy scout troop, and even my son would comment on how the other boys would say hurtful things to his friend just because of the way he looked. And my friend’s parenting was constantly being scrutinized.
I've been thinking how politically incorrect it is to insult a person because of his race, but pretty acceptable to insult a person because he is obese. The argument may be that one cannot help the race they are born into, but one can choose to be fat or thin. My question is, if someone DOES choose to be fat, does that give you the right treat them with anger, loathing and disrespect?
My other question is, why is there so much anger and disdain toward the obese? My guess is that people do not like to feel discomfort, and if one feels uncomfortable around an obese person, one may blame him for the discomfort and lash out. What if we took responsibility for our own feelings? I myself have grappled with my own feelings of discomfort when coming face to face with a homeless person, a person with a disability or disfigurement, or yes, even a very large person. But why should I let my fear of discomfort prevent me from connecting with another human being? When I can just breathe and make eye contact, I give myself the opportunity to have a meaningful interaction with him, even if it’s just to smile or say hello as we pass each other.
My other guess is that we as a society still think that shaming, embarrassing and intimidating people are great ways to make them change (if we make fun of them, they will be motivated to lose weight, and then we can feel comfortable around them). I see this tactic used all the time in the media: photo of a celebrity in their swim-suit with a caption like, "Look who's been letting themselves go!" Usually these techniques have the opposite effect; food addicts usually over-eat to comfort themselves, so when they feel shame, they eat. And in cases where it is effective (I'll show them!), it can be temporary, or the person lives in fear of relapsing. I myself grew up feeling eyes on me and hearing warnings almost every time I ate, and when we were out, my mother would point out every obese person to me and say, "that's what you're going to look like if you keep eating."
I was talking with a friend years ago who had just visited his cousin and her family. Her daughter was a 300 pound adolescent. My friend told me he was thinking of calling Child Protective Services because he thought his cousin was abusing her child by letting her get so obese. I immediately thought how devastating it would be for this child if she was taken away from her family. I advised my friend against making the call. Life can be challenging and we all have our ways of coping. Some ways are healthy and some are not. My friend happens to be an alcoholic and I told him that his cousin’s family (they're all obese, all three generations) happens to cope with life’s challenges with food, just like he and his family (all three generations) does with alcohol. His cousin's way just happens to be VERY visible. I think there is more acceptance and compassion for drug and alcohol addicts than there is for food addicts because of the outward manifestation of food addiction. Drug and alcohol addicts are encouraged and supported to stay away from their substance of choice in order to stay sober. Food addicts have to learn how LIVE WITH their drug of choice. EVERY DAY! Can you imagine if other addicts were told, “you can only shoot up, drink, smoke this portion of your drug this many times a day, and don’t ever get out of control and binge!”
Overweight people hear, “all you have to do is eat less and exercise more." That’s another reason I think there’s so much impatience and anger toward the overweight - if it’s so simple, why won’t they just do it?! The thing is life is a process. And as I said before, life can be challenging. We are all striving for balance. Sometimes we feel that balance and life is good! Sometimes we fall to one side and we can feel disoriented and afraid. The trick is to look at yourself and love and accept yourself where you are right now. Even if it doesn’t look good, know that it’s only a temporary state and even though you’re still striving for balance, you can still love and accept yourself where you are right now.
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9 Comments
Good reminder
It's easy to see just one thing when you look at a person - too easy. The more difficult thing is to step back and remember that you have NO idea of the circumstances and life events that have put a person in the very spot you see them. We all judge on first glance, but with overweight people as with underweight or anything else, we don't often know the steps walked in their shoes. Along with things in the news - like Kevin Smith being ordered off a Southwest flight for being too big - this is a good reminder that our society (a largely obese one at that) often treats overweight people as lesser people, and that we can make a change to how we as individuals contribute or combat that.
Holy Crap!
This is an OUTSTANDING blog and should be required reading by all people. I made my 10 year old son watch Oprah with me the other day where they were talking about beauty around the world. Girls his age in China love Barbie because of her blonde hair, blue eyes, and white skin- things they will never have/be. When asked if they like their hair, eyes, and skin, they said no. What are we teaching people when we allow a person's character to be judged by what they look like? I"m with VagaBlonde- it's more difficult to take a step back and remember that we don't know anything about the person we're making our snap decisions about.
It's not always even a choice!
I think this is a great acticle and points out many things I have dealt with for as many years of my life as I can remember. It is an on-going, life-long issue for many of us. One of the best points that you make is comparing it to an addiction and being addicted and asked to just 'have a little' of your preferred addiction each day. Those exact comments are ones I've made time after time. I have, in fact, been on a liquid diet very similiar to the one Oprah was on and I lost over 150 pounds in 10 months...but I didn't eat anything...just drank a doctor prescribed protein drink. It was easy once the food was all gone. But do you all realize how totally social food is?? It's pretty hard to go anywhere without almost everything revolving around food; and during this fasting time, I found that even if I was comfortable in this situation, few of the other people around me were.
One of the most important points I'd like to make though is that where you say 'what is someone DOES choose to be fat?" I doubt many people that have dealt with the issues, from social to physical to personal, would ever CHOOSE to be fat. For many of us, espeically those of us that were born into families that already have fat genes, it's something that is part of our makeup. It would be nice if people could realize this and not look at us as if we stuffed our face non-stop. It would really be nice to wake up and know that I didn't have to worry about food every day and wonder what the food I put in my mouth was going to do. I can't even imagine that.
Lastly, I think that FAT is one of the last discriminations that is too often acceptable. Would you ever tell a black person or a disabled person they couldn't sit by you? Would you make fun or openly stare and mock them? Would you blame them for their 'difference'?? The bottom line is that we should all be more tolerent of EVERYONE...fat people, thin people, gay people, people of color, different religions...and the list goes on and on. Can we all just be nice and KIND to one another?? Imagine where that might take us??
yep
I've been struggling with weight my whole adult life. At least since my first pregnancy at age 20 and I recently turned 50. The thing about fat is that you wear your insecurities on the outside and that gives people the feeling that they are free to comment on them. Smokers don't wear their diseased, abused lungs on the front of their shirts. You can't see the cirrhotic liver of an alcoholic, or the debts of the gambler. But you can see my fat and make all kinds of assumptions about me based on my appearance.
The hardest thing for me is to try to feel comfortable out in the world. I missed so many opportunities to engage in the lives of my children because I was self conscious. I don't know the feeling of holding a child while wading into a pool in the summer, for instance, or teaching a child how to swim....because I didn't wear a bathing suit for more than 20 years. And I am not horribly obese, either. I still to this day do not let people take my photograph and I have zero photos of me with my children. I have a zillion of them, and of their (largely absent) father with them, because I was the photographer. But when I'm gone they'll have none of me.
We all could stand to be a little more understanding of the personal demons others live with, instead of making judgments based on appearances.
Amen, Sister! Every. Single.
Amen, Sister! Every. Single. Person. Deserves RESPECT! :)
And dessert...
to add to Kim's reply...every person deserves dessert too. Life is too short. :)
Thank you for writing this.
Thank you for writing this. It is amazing to me how judgmental and hateful folks can be towards those who struggle with weight. I find it sickening to be around those people, with their toxic attitudes! Show some humanity, people.
Beautifully done.
Beautfully said...
Thank you for your great essay. Our culture despises fat so violently, many of us can't look at a large person without projecting onto them our own self-hate. If we could all find a way to have more compassion for *ourselves*--including accepting our own physical "flaws"--there would be less judgmental cruelty in our interactions with others. (And as a side benefit, the diet industry/cosmetic surgery industry/etc. would all vanish.)
Wow! Great blog - thank you!
Yes, I do think that fat people are the last group of people that it is "okay" to dicriminate against. It is a shame too. I think every one of us has a fat person in our life that we love. There is so much behind being overweight - genetics, chemical imbalances, depression, and yes, addiction. Such a complicated topic but you tackled it beautifully.
And Second Nature... your comments broke my heart! I hope that you will soon start to live your life and discover your worth. Take pictures of yourself. My sister-in-law (who was quite overweight at times) died suddenly last year at the age of 37 and there were sooooo many pictures of her and we were all so grateful for that. It didn't matter what she weighed - she was beautiful and most of all her inner beauty shined through on all of those pictures. Get that camera out today!
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