Falling off the Pedestal

I remember when I fell off my pedestal.  It was not too long after my second child was born.  When my husband and I were newlyweds we often talked excitedly about how we wanted to raise our children.  We read lots of books and said, “oh yes, this is how we want to do it!” or “oh, we’ll never do that to our kids!”  We would sit in restaurants and sneer at parents who couldn’t control their kids.  We would say “if only they would say or do X, their kids wouldn’t act like that; when we have our kids it’ll be different.”

Then came our first born.  Oh we made “little” mistakes here and there, like accidentally letting him roll off the bed (which we were assured was a common mistake), but for the most part we were pretty proud of the way we were raising our little prince.  Then came our second child.  Followed by the first time I yelled in little faces.  Then by the first swat to the tush.  Then came my first thoughts of divorce (I’m sure this would be so much easier without YOU messing things up!).  Yep, I had officially fallen off my pedestal.  And I think my pedestal even fell over and hit me on the head!

I was crushed!  I so wanted to be the perfect mother.  I wanted my children to grow up feeling loved and worthy.  Instead I sometimes “see” them on a couch in an office talking about how I screwed up their lives.  But when I stop looking at the past through guilt and the future through anxiety, I can see my children through clear eyes.  I can see the wonderful people they already are and I can see the amazing people they are blossoming into.  I can see my husband loving us, caring for us, clearly doing his best.  I can also see myself more clearly.  I can see that I am not just a woman who yelled at or spanked her child, I am a woman who wanted to find a better way to communicate with her children and did (and still is).  Living on a pedestal is disconnecting and static, and it’s stressful constantly trying not to fall.  I prefer it down here on earth where I am connected to those around me and where I have the room and freedom to keep evolving as a mother, as a wife, as a woman.