No Longer Feeling the Beauty

Most women tell me that they feel their most beautiful when they're pregnant.   I'm not like most women.  From the moment I found out about this beautiful little bundle of joy that will soon be gracing us with his presence, I've felt my most unattractive.   I'm sure part of my low self esteem can be attributed to the fact that during my first three months of pregnancy I was literally drained of all energy.  My little parasite, which I dubbed my child at the beginning, was literally taking everything from me including my will to be active and productive.   The first thing to go on vacation in my life was my running.   For various reasons, some of which included a doubling of my breast size, running became nearly impossible.   I've never hated my breasts so much in my life.   And of course, once the running stopped, so did the weight lifting.   I worked all day only to come home and rest my eyes for a few hours on the couch.   So, no longer was I burning the calories that I was consuming which meant that the first expansion on my body became my hips.  Fortunately, I was able to still button my pants, but I was afraid to sit or bend over in them as I was sure they would begin to bust at the seams.  I could even hear the imaginary rips each time I sat in my desk at work.   I would quietly cringe and hold my breath with each movement hoping that it meant I could not only preserve my Banana Republic slacks, but also my dignity.  

As the months began to progress, my muscle tone began to dissipate.  I tried to walk as much as possible, to even take the six flights of stairs up to my office as opposed to riding the elevator, but even that has begun to get difficult as I can't even manage to catch my breath anymore.   It's quite sad for someone like me who has always worked out and scrutinized every part of her body.  Yes, I am vain and shallow and unfortunately that has not altered as I've entered into my fifth month.  

But enough about my body, let's also talk about my face since I now feel like I'm going through puberty all over again.    I can't even begin to tell you the last time that I had skin this oily and populated with so many breakouts.   Obviously it was over 18 years ago while I was still in high school.   And of course there is my hair as well, it has not managed to escape the wrath of the pregnancy hormones.   My hair used to fill silky and smooth with a beautiful shine about it that could reflect every light and my hidden auburn hues could dance around with each ray of that shined upon it.   Now my hair is like a blurred charcoal painting, something that is dull and dingy.    My own hairdresser has been able to notice the change.   I suppose the only positive has been the fact that my nails have indeed become stronger and longer, but that's still not enough to offset the feelings of ugly I now have.  

People tell me I'm a beautiful pregnant woman, that I have this amazing glow about me.   I tell them the glow is the fluorescent light on my oily skin and that it's impossible to feel beautiful when you're busting out of clothing and you can't find any that really fits.   Surely I'm not the only mother to be who has felt this way and I have quite a few mothers tell me that I shouldn't be so shallow and selfish.   They will tell me that it's no longer about me and how I feel, but more about this wonderful child that is growing inside of me.   And whether it is their intention to make me feel bad or not, usually I leave those conversations feeling like scum and ugly scum at that.   I really don't know what to do for myself.   Should I just get over these feelings or is there something I can do to help make me feel beautiful?   I used to walk into a room, tall and confident with my physique, but those days have long past.   I only have four more months left in my pregnancy and it is my intention to get back to my old self as quickly as possible.