I Am More and I Will Be More

I'm almost 36 years old, expecting my first child in approximately 2 months, and I wonder just exactly what sort of role model I will become for my child.  

They say a person is usually their own worst enemy, the person to be hardest on themselves, and the one individual to hold you most accountable.   I suppose that's true and I guess I can't keep hiding behind a blanket of paranoia, feelings of worthlessness, and constant self-doubt.  After all, just what will that mean to my child?

I woke up this morning and said a silent prayer for God to get me through the day.   I asked for guidance from Him and the ability to not let my job stress me out or better yet for ME not to allow my job to stress me out.   So, I took a deep breath and I went into work, which is nothing more than a mind numbing sales job/customer service rep.   I sit tethered to my desk via my trusty headset that connects me to some of the nastiest and miserable people in the world.   I cringe when I hear the phone ringing in my ear as I wait for someone to pick up on the other end, completely unaware of what sort of time bomb will explode on me.   It's not a fun job, but then again just how many people in the world have fun jobs?   I mean, for once in my life, I'm not a part of the minority, but just a smaller piece of the majority.   I'd like to change that around.  

I think I've had a career.  I know I've had plenty of jobs, but unfortunately I've always been afraid to step out on the platform and try something new.  Perhaps having a child isn't exactly the right time to start a new ambition, but I don't want my child to look at me and say,  "mommy, why didn't you pursue your dreams?"  I don't want him to say that to me when every day I'm encouraging him to always reach for the stars.  I no longer want to spend the days of my life counting down until the weekend when I can have fun, only to be discouraged on Sunday evening knowing that the weekend has flown by and I must start back up as a corporate cog in a wheel.   So, here's what I've decided to do and I'm not too proud to ask for help.   I have a new resume, one that incorporates all areas of my writing from my previous jobs as well as that of my fun stuff, including this blog and a few others.   I want the opportunity to do freelance writing, that maybe one day could turn into something more especially after my child starts school.   Is this too much to ask?   I don't think so. 

The only problem is that I don't exactly no where to start, but I figure I should be able to find out on my own.  There just has to be more to life than this and I know so many others out there feel the same way, but much like myself do not have the courage to really change their position.   Well, today I'm taking a deep breath and gathering together my strength.   I want my child to see a happy mother, not one who is so burnt out that she can't enjoy the little things in life.   Here's hoping I will change that!