Why Hello Heartbreak Hotel...

Well it seems I've checked in... Again. My ex-fiance was great, but he just didn't have everything it takes to make me happy. I'm a rather difficult girl to handle. I've got big hopes and dreams. And sometimes my heart literally gets in the way.

You see I dated someone on and off for over four years. I fell for him hard when I was 18. The relationship was very sexual and incredibly intriguing. I knew he was something special. Heck, I still do.

You see, we've recently rekindled that old flame. And it's just as exciting as ever. The only problem now is our relationship is stunted because my ex-fiance is also his ex-best friend. You see my dilemma?

I personally can get over that situation fast, but him, not so much. You see I knew, we'll call him Alejandro, before I ever met Andrew. I actually met Alejandro through a different but common friend. We shared so many interests. Communication flowed easily. And he possessed qualities that I always wanted in a man, lover and friend.

I was brought up in a traditional family. Get married, have kids, grow old together. Well my life isn't following that routine, and it's so awkward for me to grasp.

Lady GaGa recently told COSMO, "If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore."

I'm trying so hard to heed her and Alejandro's advice. He wants me to live my life, to not base my decisions around him. Deep down inside, I comprehend that, but there's still this little part of me who wants to make him my ENTIRE life. I want to do everything in my power to make him happy. But what about the $30,000 school loan debt? Did I spend six years in college for nothing? Do I just take a gravy job so that I can move on to the next leg? Pop out a few babies? Pamper some grand-babies?

I can't bring myself to it. That's one of the reasons I called off the wedding with Andrew. I'm not ready for that.

I guess it's incredibly hard for me to realize that I haven't even graduated college and that so many opportunities may be in front of me. I tell my friends I want to be the next Ryan Seacrest. Well I can't be him if i'm married and have children. I can't move at the drop of a hat for what may become a dream job. I can't use my pain and happiness and trials and tribulations to influence the way people perceive the world and the women in it.

I want to inspire people the way I have been inspired. How do I check into that hotel? Is there one for that?

How do I make myself put Alejandro on the back-burner and jump into the driver seat of my life?

I'm starting to see that life is a fickle thing. There are so many twists and turns. Ups and downs. Highs and lows.

For now I need to work on making myself happy so I can replace Mr. Seacrest, and then, maybe, love will follow in suit. If not, then in the words of Gloria Gaynor, I Will Survive!