The True End to My Year-Long Intuition Blog Experiment

It's Week 69, Day 1 of my blog experiment, about four months and one week past the day it was supposed to end. I can't say exactly what's taken me so long to finish. The momentum of this blog changed dramatically towards the end. I felt it drop off and tie up the same way you know a relationship is over. It was done. And then I had to come back to finish it. I left a lot of strings untied. I'm sorry if that disappointed anyone who was kind enough to follow this through with me. I didn't tie any strings just for the sake of tying them. In fact, in leaving some untied, I've tried to understand why, exactly, I left them that way. I've tried to sift through excuse and understanding and be willing to see what's really me in all of this, rather than what's just me trying to please someone else. So, let me explain a few overarching thoughts and then I'll get to the results. 

Remember, one of the goals of this blog was to write unedited so this is raw me. I have spent many hours thinking through this last post but, until now, none of it has bled out onto paper.

If there's one thing I've learned this year it's that not everything can be a top priority. It's great to have a lot of goals but only the ones you really care about will find a way to happen. This blog was a priority for me last year. It taught me not to be afraid to fail because in it, I had many failures. I'm o.k. with that because I know now that I didn't care about all of my goals equally. But, for the ones I did care about, they gained their own momentum. They happened--in surprising ways and I'll explain that further in a bit. 

So, here are the results: One of my goals was to publish eight articles. More than I've ever published in one year. I ended up publishing ten articles online with Patch.com as a columnist. The opportunity came simply and unexpectedly and it wasn't something I set out to do. Intuitively, I believe my desire to write was so strong that the opportunity landed on me like a magnet. And, the funny thing is, it was a short-lived experience. Being a columnist turned out not to be a good fit for me and I was asked to take on some other responsibilities not long after I finished those ten articles. And, although I could have continued writing my column if I wanted to, I was finished with that chapter and ready to move on to the next. 

My second goal I stated as 'finding my best and strongest self'. Hmmmm. Well, I fell short here. It turned out not to be the top priority for me. I said I wanted to be able to do 200 pushups. I made it to 68 modified push-ups (on my knees). And, I said I wanted to get back to running a 10-minute mile. Honestly, I have no doubt I could have reached both of these goals if I had put in the time or effort but I didn't. I didn't beat myself up about it. I just didn't do it. Those achievements are still under the category of my best and strongest self but there's other work to be done--first. I realize now that I wasn't serious about these physical goals from the beginning just by the words I used in my initial post. I wrote, "I wouldn’t mind being able to run a 10K race in under 60 minutes, either." Sound a little non-committal? That was part of the problem there. 

As for my spiritual life, I wanted to know God. I wanted to have that relationship. I started going to church regularly as the easiest means I knew to develop that relationship. And, to my own surprise, I have been going regularly. Even today, when I was about to say 'forget it, we need a family day instead of a me-rushing-around-getting-the-kids-ready-for-church day', something pulled me out the door and in line for communion. I wouldn't describe myself as a good Catholic, as consistent in my beliefs or without doubts about the Church but I see now that this goal, this idea of forging a relationship with God, was important enough that there was an extra nudge to get me out the door. I'm not sure if I put this relationship on the top of the list or, if it rose to the top of the list for reasons beyond my control. Either way, it ended up there and I've never regretted going to church each Sunday. Even on my worst, most tired, disgruntled and disheveled weekend, I've felt better for going. 

And, finally, oh my diva life. Well. This is perhaps my biggest disappointment in the whole experiment because I didn't come home with the ten outfits I had hoped to find. I didn't really look that hard. It turned out not to be that important I suppose. There were moments of steppin' out of the mom-box, when I ordered a kickin' pair of  platform sandals online or when I bought a pair of satin pants to wear to my high school reunion. But, the momentum to buy the outfits and the desire to spend the money to buy the outfits just wasn't there. I'm still a mom in jeans and t-shirts most days. I think being a well-dressed diva is going to be an evolutionary process for me. It's gonna take more than just one year. And, while on the subject, there is still that yet-to-be worn tutu in my closet that I blogged about months ago. I never did wear it. Should I have? I thought about just wearing it to the grocery store or to my daughter's birthday party or just around the house but, in the end, I was pushing too hard. I didn't really WANT to wear it. I never found the right shirt to go with it. I didn't like the way it looked. Maybe this all sounds ridiculous but I put ALOT of thought into it. Why was it such a big deal? I'm not sure but in the end I decided if I didn't want to wear it, I didn't have to. No one was trying to force it, except me. And, in this, I also noticed how often I'm my own enemy. How often I make myself carry through with things I don't really want to do. How often I don't even know what I really want. It's easy to forget sometimes in a family, as a mom especially. Again, this might sound ridiculous but that tutu became me against it. And I wanted to win. When we're friends again, I might put it on. But, for now, it just doesn't fit.

In regards to my wardrobe and the photos I had planned to post of me in them, I changed my mind about that aspect of this blog. While I've loved writing this blog and putting my words out there, it's just not me to post pictures. I could have posted one or two but I decided, I'd rather not. Mostly because it felt too personal and off subject, really. I hope you understand.

The only other loose end I wanted to mention was my intention to do a 'clearing' at my house. A while back, I bought a smudge stick and intended to do a clearing ceremony at my house. That, too, became something that just didn't feel right. I did it at my last house, the night before I moved in and it was a beautiful, peaceful one-person ceremony. I will always remember the full feeling in the air that night, as I sat alone in my dark, empty house. But, here, in my new house, ultimately, it didn't seem necessary. I thought about doing it many times, just because I said I would. But, it never happened because I don't think it would have meant anything. And, I learned that I do THAT a lot--try to infuse meaning where maybe there isn't any. Sometimes, it's best to recognize that the meaning of something can CHANGE over time -- and in different situations -- and be o.k. with that, instead of pressing forward. 

So, now that I've covered the results, let me say a few words about intuition in general. Do I believe in it any more or less than I did at the beginning of this experiment? I believe it is a real and powerful force but this year has taught me the difference between listening to your intuitive voice and straining to hear it. I think you have to be in a peaceful, almost prayerful UNDERLYING state of mind for intuition's voice to be heard clearly. If you are open to evil in your life, you might be fooled by what you think is intuition. Big statement, right? That's something else I learned a bit about this year. Evil. Evil is real in big and small ways and, if you want to protect and respect your intuition, you have to choose it over whatever evils exist in your own life. Evil takes many forms so use your intuition to see it and turn away from it as best you can before it messes with your intuitive sensibilities. 

So, why did I set out to do this experiment in the first place? What did it all mean? Well, it's pretty simple, actually. I had to prove to myself that I'm a writer. Even while the voice telling me to write has been screaming in my head for years, I've ignored it. Put it off. Let it wait.

I set out on this experiment as a way to write regularly, to prove that it really is important and worth my time. And, maybe as an apology to that voice screaming in my head, as a way to say, "Ok, I'm listening now." This year, I learned that my spiritual life is absolutely intertwined and deeply connected with my writer life. I didn't know that before. But, I know it now. And, my spiritual life nourishes the part of me that has a few things to say. This blog is the jumping off point for a work of fiction that's waiting to be born. This blog taught me that I really am pregnant. 

Thank you to my family and friends who stuck with me, read my posts and shared with me their comments and insight. And, thanks to Skirt for making it possible.