In my prior blog (that you can read at bit.ly/muWE0 or at my archived blogs), I did the first part of a countdown, from #10 to #6, of The Top 10 Things that'll Never Go Away, and here’s the last bit of that list– I mean, no matter what happens – no matter if Obama’s healthcare plan isn’t passed, no matter if unemployment continues to rise and the Gross National Product plummets into inner earth, these things will always be around:

#5. Dentistry – The medical field had made mind boggling advances in all areas of medicine including oncology and immunology – so what’s going on with dentistry? I’ll tell you what’s going on – dentists don't want advances! In fact, I have a theory that some years back there was a researcher for the American Dental Association (ADA) that came up with a magical pill that prevents all tooth decay, and he made the mistake of presenting it to an ADA panel; they all stared at him wide-eyed.

“What are you crazy?” a member of the ADA panel exclaimed. “You’re going to put us all out of business!”

And then they threw the pill in a safe that makes Fort Knox look like a child’s piggy bank, and the researcher was never seen again (you think the mafia with their cement mixers are bad…).

Think about it. Dentistry practices and technology have, for the most part, remained the same for the past umpteenth years – it’s as if they don’t want to make any advances on purpose, so they can keep on charging you until the point of your bankruptcy. Yes, there are laser procedures now, but most dentists don’t use them because they claim it’s too expensive (as if their other procedures aren’t). So they continue to use the same old drills and cleaning equipment and Novocain and hot air, and with every visit they’ve come out with the same old results – you’re going to need a cavity filled, a root canal, a tooth pulled – and to think, before you went for your regular teeth cleaning, you were feeling just fine, and then shortly afterward, you had a pain in an upper bicuspid – isn’t that strange? No, there’s nothing strange about it – that dentist has been in your mouth, and who knows what they’ve touched in their quest to continue to get paid, whether it be by sometimes performing procedures that you don’t need or by creating them for themselves. Mark my word – I know this is what they do – and scientists will someday find a cure for mortality, and we’ll all live forever, but the field of dentistry will continue on and on with all our mouths and wallets open!

#4. The Stupid (Disturbed) Relative – Every family has one. They’re the relatives you try to hide from at holiday dinners, weddings, Christenings, Bar Mitzvahs, and any other family affair you can think of, because wherever they go, a trail of stupid statements and questions follows; the Stupid Relative will comment on your taste in clothing, and not in a good way, will inquire about your possibly poor financial circumstances (knowing that they are poor) and then will bring up his or her purchase of a new Mercedes or yacht, and will rile up members of his kinship with family stories best forgotten that will stir up already buried animosity over Thanksgiving and Christmas Dinner.

And it’s mostly because of Thanksgiving and Christmas Dinner that you have no choice but to see The Stupid Relative; most won’t miss getting together with the family for the world, for the sole purpose of causing distress, so they know they can effect something – and it doesn’t matter if it’s in bad way - they just want to make sure that they’re getting attention in some forum – because no one is obliged to listen to them anywhere else.

At these family events, siblings, cousins, and Aunts and Uncles plot in quiet corners of houses about how to make sure The Stupid Relative doesn’t get invited to any of the family get-togethers, but because these people are relatives, every year you ultimately see them, and then you proceed to gaze at the Stupid Relative, hoping that the “Stupid Gene” won’t be passed on to their children…But you understand it’s inevitable – the Stupid Relative will pass on the gene, because that’s the way it’s been for generations, and besides, what gives your family the right to be happy and in peace while the rest of us are miserable?

#3. The Next Best Thing – One minute you can think you’re up on the newest trend for people, places and things, and the next second you can be totally lost. Why? Because “The Next Best Thing” is always comin’ round the bend, and it’s so fast, that we all get whiplash just watching what is considered “The Most Popular” whoosh by – the “it” girl goes from Paris Hilton to Kim Kardashian to Megan Fox; the “it” boy goes from Brad Pitt to James Franco to Robert Pattinson; the “in-style” meal goes from Sushi to Thai to Dim Sum; and the “fashionable” must-have accessory goes from metallic shoes to faux alligator belts to monogrammed handbags, which just goes to show you, something or someone could be all-the-rage on a Thursday at noon, and one past that hour, can be completely done with and forgotten. Why? Because we tend to be fickle and need the shot of the adrenalin that can only be administered by something novel and exciting. The problem is when “The Next Best Thing” attitude translates from popular culture to our personal lives, and we search for “The Next Best Thing” in a partner or spouse, or a job or career, when what we have might actually be working for us. Remember, in most cases, “The Next Best Thing” isn’t any better than the previous ones, it’s just different and new, and soon that which is different and new, will have to step aside for – you guessed it – “The Next Best Thing.”

#2. Pornography – If you think pornography began with the invention of the camera, guess again. For as long as man could make drawing tools from stones and dye and figured out how to sculpt figures from mud, there was pornography. I know, I wasn’t there, but the relics of the past are evidence. I remember seeing one pornographic object from the days of yore from the Roman Empire – it was a man and woman in the act, and let’s just say they weren’t in the missionary position – and supposedly, it was used as a centerpiece for the dinner table (can you imagine what the “Stupid Relative” would say about that?); I can only imagine what the conversation was at suppertime, but these figures were probably so commonplace that I doubt anyone took notice of the centerpieces or cared. And even though I haven’t seen any sexual images drawn by cavemen, I’m one-hundred percent positive that one of the cavemen sketching on those cavern walls turned to his scraggly, loin clothed friend, and said, “I’m sick of drawing buffalo. I want to draw something that’s really interesting!” And so, the first pornographic image was born.

Human beings are human beings (and animals) – pornography will always be around!

And finally -

#1. Prostitution – It’s the world’s oldest profession. Brothels, flophouses, escort services, and just plain old hookers, have been catering to men’s (and some women’s) needs since some industrious and probably hyper-hormonal person came up with the notion of bartering sex for goods and money, and it has continued on, and today, has marketed itself, so people looking to get their needs taken care of (and I’m trying to be as “clean” as possible about this) don’t have to go traveling around in their cars down dark and dangerous streets to pick someone up in a hiked-up skirt and fish net stockings or go to a brothel or escort service and make arrangements with a madam who probably has lipstick on her teeth, chain smokes and looks like their Aunt Bessie (I don’t know – I’ve never been to a brothel, but I’m just imagining…). No. Prostitution, like pornography, has entered into the new millennium of technology, and now has women and men offering their “services and wares” (again “clean”) on the worldwide web (and, I have to note, a great deal of these women have been forced into it, like in many forms of prostitution- which is BEYOND completely horrible, but that’s a blog for another day…)

I in no way condone prostitution (no way!) – it’s just really interesting how it keeps on surviving and seems to mold itself to the times, including now, when everyone is fiscally strapped. For example, I just read somewhere that the brothels in Germany were giving out discount cards for their services – discount cards! Can you imagine? Although, I had a friend from Germany tell me that this was commonplace, I still can’t help but be hocked…I mean, what next? A rewards membership card for Johns? Like at Sephora, if you have one of their cards, for every something points that you get, you have a choice between a sample of lotion, eye cream or lipstick. So, would the same type of idea apply to a brothel? – Like for every sex act, would you receive 10 points on your card, and when you finally reached 100, would you have a choice of a pair of handcuffs, flavored oil or tiny blow-up doll? (And for just 100 pts. It would have to be tiny.)

I don’t know, but we all know that prostitution is here to stay, like all of the things on my list, so we can all be assured that even when everything is crumbling around us, that some things are - unfortunately - certain.

Hey! You can connect with me on Facebook! Go ahead - FRIEND ME!

Alisa Steinberg

Skirtsetter

Fiction/non-fiction writer, blogger, poet and publicist, and back in the day, a psychotherapist