The Top 10 Things that'll Never Go Away (Part I...)

The world is full of uncertainties. Ironically, we’re now most assured that most of life is unassured, having witnessed the superstar banks and firms we thought would be around today and beyond tomorrow crashing, some obliterated, and we know the names – Bear Stearns, Lehman… the crooked Bernie Madoff Investment Securities and Stanford Financial Group, etc., etc. – and the list can go on and on. All were a representation of what was only a temporary booming economy, although we thought it was here to stay forever, along with our jobs.

Far East philosophy teaches us that impermanence is the way of our existence, that everything eventually disappears… but I beg to differ – here’s the first-half of the countdown of the top 10 things that'll never go away (whether we like it or not…):

#10. Inane Media Coverage – How many times have you watched a news program and shook your head? I do it daily. I’m bewildered and annoyed by the ridiculous questions asked by the anchors and by the brainless and empty stories covered by the networks. Case in point – the Miss California tale that happened a few months ago; during the Miss USA pageant, the (now former) Miss California, Carrie Prejean, was basically asked if she was for or against gay marriage by one of the judges, and when she announced she wasn’t, all hell broke loose – oh my God, a beauty queen against gay marriage – what’s the entirety of the universe to do? Suddenly, there’s 24-hour coverage – will she lose her crown of won’t she? Did the pageant office buy her those breasts or did they sprout all by themselves? (A case of magic beans, perhaps.) Did Prejean actually pose for those semi-nude, risqué photos? (Or was it one of her multiple personalities? Perhaps named “Mistee BlueJeans.”) A word out to MSNBC, Fox and other news channels – if you have high ratings, it’s not because we find your programs interesting and engaging. No. We just can’t leave our television sets because we’re awed and shocked at your audacity for presenting such stupid stories and involving otherwise smart and esteemed journalists in your escapade to strip the general public of their brain cells.

#9. The Golden Girls – I dare you to turn on the television and not find an episode of The Golden Girls while searching through channels. Go ahead – I dare you. This 80s/90s sitcom comedy about four female senior citizens living under one roof in Florida may still be funny, but it’s done with, and yet, we’re haunted by the ghosts of Blanche, Rose, Dorothy, and Sophia (and I didn’t have to look up those names – that’s how much it’s on) day in and day out. For some reason, We tv and Oxygen want to remind us all that women heading to or in their twilight years can still be vivacious and funny by constantly showing us this foursome who spend most of their nights sitting in the kitchen discussing their deteriorating love lives, sagging bodies and menopause over a cheesecake. Reality check – sometimes it’s fun, but not all the time. Please – no woman – not the young/middle-aged woman, at least – wants to visualize their golden years as living with three other females (unless you’re a lesbian, I guess), talking about their deteriorating love life, sagging body and menopause over a cheesecake (and I repeated this on purpose).No woman. We don’t welcome this. We fear it. Yet, these networks don’t understand the female psyche do they?...Wait, let me change the chann – yep! The Golden Girls is on again, and please, don’t think you’ve proven me wrong if you’ve went through all your channels and didn’t find it – somewhere our there – in another city or country or time zone or alien planet, a deep, female voice is asking – “Do we have any of that cheesecake left?”…Now where’s that remote control? ...Click. Off…

#8. Ansel Adams Wannabes – Ever since the advent of the digital camera that works just as well if not better than a film SLR, and is affordable to all, many middle-aged men (or men approaching middle-age) have realized their Peter Pan dream of becoming a war or Playboy or National Geographic photographer. Since they can’t obtain a press pass to go to Iraq (and probably don’t have the cohunes to go there) and don’t know Hugh Hefner or don’t have the ability to look at any naked woman for any length of time without drooling, and since they can’t even deal with being around the neighbor’s cat let alone a Cheetah, the Ansel Adams Wannabe (AAW) focuses on taking photos of monuments in cities across the United States with only the best digital cameras and gadgets that God knows, if you pressed the wrong button on one of them, you would set off a nuclear missile. The AAW takes out his wide angle and mount lenses and flashes and worst of all, his tripod, and sets himself up in the middle of the street in the paths of people, drawing attention to his activities as he snaps photos and thinks he has a chance to score a spot in American Photo Magazine. Living in Manhattan, I’ve seen these AAWs take their positions across the city – especially in front of the renowned Chrysler Building. There I’ve watched them aim their lenses at the top of this edifice, where I continually imagine two pigeons are looking down, and one says to the other “Look, Stanley. Another schmuck is taking a picture of the top of the Chrysler Building again.” He waves a wing at the AAW.

“By golly, you’re right,” the other one says. “Should we crap on the roof for him?”

“No, we did that last time, we’ve gotta do something else…We’ve got to at least be more original than the humans.”

“Quite right.”

And then the Ansel Adam Wannabes take the pictures and send them off to American Photo Magazine, where some poor editor stares at them and then turns to his assistant and says, “Look, Stanley, another schmuck took a picture of the top of the Chrysler Building again.”

#7. Movie Gabbies – Did you ever wonder why the sound in the movie theaters is so loud these days? It’s a tactic of theater managers to drown out the voices of the infamous “Movie Gabbies,” who are human beings that can’t help but talk about their private lives – their relationships, careers and whatever else comes to mind – as the film rolls on and audience members roll their eyes and sigh. The interesting part about the Movie Gabby is if someone tells them to be quiet, the Movie Gabby becomes disgruntled as if it was their constitutional right to disturb the moviegoers experience with their personal problems.

Funny enough, I once overheard one Movie Gabby say to her friend – “You know, I really never had any need for therapy.”

Of course not, you have a whole audience of people listening to your problems!

Let’s face it – there will always be Movie Gabbies because there will always be people who crave attention.

#6. Crooked Politicians – Before Richard Nixon and Watergate, most U.S. citizens walked around with blinders on about politicians, thinking, for the most part, they were steadfast and true representatives of the people. But once their was Watergate, all hell broke loose. People realized politicians could be despicable – just like them – and the masks came off and the boxing gloves went on as we watched politicians fall from grace, like Bill Clinton, who tried to weasel his way out of charges of infidelity, and Scooter Libby, who was convicted for obstruction of justice and perjury. What’s interesting about these crooked politicians is America’s love-hate relationship with them – we hate what they do, but we love to hate them – it gives us something to talk about at coffee breaks, on the bus and subway after work, and during commercials while we wait for our favorite reality TV show to come on; ultimately, and scary enough, the realities of these politicians seem to be much more interesting and pitiful than of those on the reality shows.

Which makes one think – hmmmm, maybe there should be a reality show from the Oval Office.

Wouldn’t that be a kick.

...The top five of the “Top 10 things that’ll Never Go Away” will be coming soon...

- Alisa Steinberg is a novelist, poet, and blogger, whose recently published book "Text Me, A Tale of Love and Technology" is available on Amazon.com in ebook format for Kindle, iPad, iPhone, Windows PC, BlackBerry, and Android, and will soon be available in both ebook and print formats on Amazon.com, Barnesand Noble.com and Borders.com

HEY - YOU CAN CONNECT WITH ME ON FACEBOOK! GO AHEAD - "FRIEND" ME!