My biggest fear.

Since Mother's day was the other day I just felt that I needed to share something.

I love my mother. She is an amazing woman and she (with my daddy, of course) did an amazing job raising me. Granted, I'm sure I could've turned out better but I don't blame them. At some point you have to let go and hope your children don't totter off a cliff. Mine, was more like a small hill.

I love my boyfriend's mother. She and her husband did a phenomenal job raising him. In fact, he's probably the greatest guy I know. He's courteous to me and my family, he adores my friends and he takes excellent care of our two dogs. Not to mention me. Never fails to tell me he loves me and that he wouldn't be where he is today without me.

He and I talk about marriage sometimes and having children. I openly admit to him, I'm terrified of having children. I project this by pretending I hate them. That they're annoying and slimy and ick.

The truth is I'm terrified of motherhood and all that it encompasses. (Although, I wouldn't mind being pregnant because who wouldn't want to eat whatever they like for nine months and have everyone tell them they look beautiful?) I am terrified of the labor part. And don't even get me started on C-Sections.

But mostly, I'm afraid that I will be a terrible mother and that my children will say the things I once said to my mother.

"I hate you."

"You're ruining my life."

I once went practically an entire year without speaking to my mother. Over a boy.

Looking back I realize that it was the BIGGEST mistake of my life. I was an extremely angst-filled teen and it was extremely childish of me to act like that. We have since repaired our relationship but I fear it will never be like it could have been.

It's because of this that I'm scared to bring a child into this world. I don't think I'll be as capable as my mother and my boyfriend's mother and my oldest sister to just end the life I've been living for the past twenty-something years and walk down a different path. To have someone so dependent on me. To need me.

And it kills me because I think my boyfriend will make an awesome father. We aren't around children a lot but some of our friends have kids and his face is all smiles when he sees them. And I know they have fur, but he loves our dogs unconditionally and treats them like his children. He'll probably kill me but he calls them his "little man" and his "baby girl."

What if it's me that ruins our children's lives?

I can be irrational, and I can be overly emotional and I don't want to pass those things down to my children. I want them to be balanced, and I want them to be happy and carefree.

He always teases me and says that my biological clock hasn't started ticking and when it does it will be so loud I won't be able to hear anything else. I, am doubtful.

I feel bad, putting out all this extra anxiety into the world and the persona that I hate children. I don't hate them. In fact, they're terribly adorable and I tend to get attached to them too much.

Whenever I say, "Ew. I hate children." What I am really saying is, "Oh god. I could never do what you do."

How do you know you're supposed to be a mother? How do you know that you're going to be "#1 Mom" one day? 

What happens if you fail?